Hunt for perfection....

I dont know what to think.
Yesterday i tryed on my jeans what i bought last year when i was way skinny. i didnt try then on earlyer because i was afraid that they would not fit me anymore and well i was right. I AM SUCH A FAT-IDIOT.
So i went shopping because i needed some jeand when i got home i found out that the jeans i had bought where the same size as the ones i had allready. SO WTF?

I has a small bringe last night. really hate myself. havent had any food today.
soon i will meet up with my good friend so i have to eat then. fucking great. i cant i just stop myself from eating.??...

I have spent so much money on clothes and shoues this week. i just have to stop it. but well when xs jumppert fitted me so nicely i juat had to buy it. and also i found a sexy bikini and some hot purple high heeled shoes and also the jeans what look wonderfool with the shoes.
i hope that i will earn the money back from tips i cet from custumers. i really hope so. normaly i am not such a shoppaholic because usually i donat find nice clothes what would fitt me well

i want my geography exam results. it is driving me crazy.

I fucking have to start working-out but i just cant get myself to start the first steps. and i need new treiners because the old ones are worn out.
i net to get working on my abs because at the momant ther are no abs just a hole lot of fat.

omg a really fat person just sat next to me. i hate this public internet place. there are like sex more persons here with me
FAt person- who is reading... i cant believe it a cooking site... well got luck with that. and well i might say if you are fat dont fucking wher clothes what are to small for you because i can see all the flabby fat you have on you and well it is just discusting.
Hot guy- there is on hot guy here to but unfortunatly i cant see on what website he is on. she has dark hair and seems taht he works out a lot. god if he would be my bf i woul filp out.
some computer nerd- classes, a gardican, washed jeans to long and not werry clen hair and well just looks that he has spen to much time infront of the computen and to little with actualy people. but well on good point is that he is like skinny(if you can say that to a boy) i have never figured it out. they sit behind the computer all day, eat fast food and still have only bones and skinn. whay cant i have that fast metabolism...

And i really need to get a boyfriend i so miss that feeling when someone is holding you and you smell ther afterhave and well...
where the hell i can meet some guys? have any sugestions... i am miserable...

So my days have been wery work related.
SO yesterday i had a 10 hour workday. and we had so many custumers. and i think i walked/jogged all that time so i had to burn some serious fat... pluss i was carrying heavy bear muggs.
also my legs a sore. Have you got any good tips how to treat my pore leegs.

Drunk people especially men can be fucking assholes. shure i want to go out with you when you pinch my butt and look as old as my granddad . shure i want to be with you when you cant even stand up strait. one point i will probably slap someone.

My food intake has been all over. about 1000 cals or less.
Oh and i will try that mobime texing trick. thnks btw.

I have to think about my laptop. i will see if i can aford it when i get ,my paycheck.

I really need sun. Please.

will go shopping now. probably will not find anything that would fit me...

Also i have the most problem with my belly area especially the bottom part of it..
what exersices i can do at home that actually help tone it .

So i moved into my summer flat yesterday what is great because now i can diet like i want because ther isnt my mother how would keep an eye on me and also i have no temtations like chocolate, cakes, or suger laying around.
well only a small problem is my flatmate and good friend but usuall i just say that i ate at work so she will not ask questions why am i not eating.

So i work as i waitress usually in the evening time 6pm till 2am or 4am next morning. So that burns a lot of calories.
I just have to stop snaking at work. i am just so hungry and then i tend to snak very unhealty food ther what usually contain much fat and are fried in oil. I just have to stop doing that. I might eat a filling and healty dinner at home and then brush my teeth so i will not snack there.

i just hate how much weight i have put on. my jeans what were once loose are now... well i have troble putting them on. also my tights are rubing against eachother that is what i HATe the most and well also the muffin tops and the fact that do to my body time i have no waist. so i have to be thin to have a nice defined waist.

i dont want to be like so supper skinny that i look that i am about to die. i just want to look thin, slender (well i dont konw the right word for it) just i want to have a nice weight what looks good on me and is also containable. i want to loos weight and then i want to maintain it for a lifetime with healty exercise and food plan. At least that is my plan.

It is raining as hell outside so i cant even go to the beach. what really sucks. i want to have a nice colden tan because i think taht i look way better and also skinnier when i am tanned.

I am actually in an public internet spot because i dont have net in my new flat. i am thinking of buying myself a laoptop. Would that be a good idea?

Well i dont need it at home, because there i have a regular computer but i just dont know is it worth the money.
because here i can juse the public internet spot when ever i have the time and well also when it is opened.

PS! sry for all the spelling misteks i might do, English is not my first language.
i have a spelling chek at home but here they dont have it.

Yesterdays intahe:
2 like these fast soup 400 cal
bread
...
well actually i cant remeber what the hell i ate. have to start writing stuff down. But it wasent more than 1000cals.

Todays intake:
coffe+ piece of sugar
3 bread+ low fat ham

I will edid so time soon... probably will have a small dinner to before work

i AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT.

sry for tht i just mean i cant control myself on parties NO CONTROL:
we had a school ending party with my class and i just ended up eating way to much.
i just could not stop myself. i cant fucking understand why but i just could not stop myself.

ok enough with the past.
totay is a new day.
i am moving away for the summer from my parents house to a flat for my summer job so
i can restict there very well because there will be very little temptation of food.

so from now one 500-800cals maybe even less

the bad thing is that i am not sure how often i can use the net because i dont have a computer there.but i will try to use the public libary,

stay strong girls

Here are a few:
Grapefruit,
Lemons,
Celery,
asparagus,
beets,
cabbage,
tomatoes,
oranges,
pineapples,
tangerine,

I had my geography exam today. i think it went pretty well.
I ate quite a lot before the exam because i needed the energy but now i think i overdid my eating, but well it is still in my daily calori limit.

Todays intake:
white bread 260
honey 125
porridge 150
sausage 70

Total: 605

At the moment i look so short and plump from the mirror and i Fucking hate it.

so it is the 1.st of June and i am going to start my diet plan.
So i am thing of 500-800cals a day (i have a pretty active work and i cant pass out there)
7-11 or 12 will have the Master Cleanse.
God i hope i can do that. usually i am a total FAIL when it comes to fasting.

Today's menu:
Chicken 350 cal
Milk pudding 200 cal
Ice cream 150 (i was out with my friends and the boys brought us ice-crem so i coldnt say now without looking a weirdou)

But i cycled 30min, swam 30min and played hardcore football/soccer with boys so that must be total like -700cal


So do you also have that feeling that something is missing in your life but you cant put your finger on it(cant say exactly what you need to be perfectly happy?)
i have that feeling and usually i try to stuff the hole in my sole with food, but that will make me even more miserable.

oh great i am going swimming with a group
where there is this boy with who i have this thing.
and well i look just awful in a bikini.
i am such and idiot, i bringed yesterday and today is a new beginning.