Hunt for perfection....

midnight
So it is past midnight and my fats begins...not sure how long it will last but at least 24 hours
so i am doing a "to Do list" so i will have something to do rather than eat.
and i might worn you that todays post is going to be a long one beacuse i need to keep myself occupied...

"To Do List"

• Find great thinspo pictures
• Make a great Thinspiration video
• Write at least 4 pages to my "Paper diary"
• Find new good songs and download them to my mp3 player
• Exercise: cycling 2 hours, running 45 min,
  
• Make a muscular workout routine and post it here

11 am
So hopped on the scale this morning and it showed 58.5kg so i have put on 2 hole kilograms with my binge eating yesterday and with my not so good eating the day before...
i needed to see that number so i could realize that i dont want that number and i am not going to binge anymore...
and my stomach is crowling and very noisy but sry no food for you today

5pm
BINGE
dont want to talk about it...

NEW PLAN
i can consume as many calories as daly basic as i burn of exercising...

diid and hour of cycling... that is just so little compared to the amount of food i consumed... and i was doing so good...

Ate probably like 3000cls,
i reached home after a nightmare driving lesson just to find out that my internet was out so i was home alone and nothing to do but to eat... so i ate...also my period is fucking me up...
but after i had eaten i just needed to do something so i went cycling for 2 hours that burned like 800clas i know that is so littel for the massive amount of food i ate but at least i didnt just sit on my bed and mope, i did something

but i just feel such a failure...i failed myself and you all and well i just dont...
i know that food will not fill the emtyness in my soul but i still try to stuff it with food...

i am thinking of fasting ... i havent never fasted... i have tried but it usually ended with a total binge...
but if i have net tomorrow i hope i can do it...anyone want to join me feel free to... maybe i will do even a two day fast if i can...
and also i am going to weigh myself... i have to see that BIG number so i can kick my but and start over again...

And i love all your comments... i just fish i had my net when i got home that i would not have binged probably after reading all you lovely comments... i feel i failed you and mayself...

We will see what the scale says tomorrow...

sry for being allover the place with my text i am just so off and unhappy about my food intake... i cant even purge i have tryed it a few times but i cant get much up and for the little i get up i have to work for a lot... and also i dont like to purge... so i dont... so i consume evey calorie i eat... fuck

so i need to keep myself busy tomorrow when i am fasting... what the hell i am going to do that 17hours when i am awake...??+...

IN: have no idea but i will say 3000

Out: cycling -800 2hours

9.51am
i dont know who i should thank for this but... i am happy that i dropped a few grams...
Good thing i did that cycling yesterday probably that was what saved me... today i am going to be good very good indeed...
6 pm
Mum just got home and boy did she do some grocery shopping... shit. i am in hell, at least she bought the lemon i asked.. i need it for my water because i dont like plain water so much also lemon will speed up your metabolism...
she also bouht some strawberris...that will be mu dinner for tonight
7.47pm
i just finished my strawberries, i eat too much of them but they where so good and also fruit and they contain so few cals and i am proud that i didnt eat that cheese my mom bought (i cant resist tha cheese normaly, i eat it plain because it is so good but so high on cals, but i didnt eat it)
i am also on my period so i dont know if that has anything to do with my apetite..??...


In: bread(200), chicken(200), 2carrots(50), white bread(100), STRAWBERRIES(have no idea but more that i should have had, but they where so good)

109.19am
Dancing around the room like a crazy person...
Where the hell this came from..?..
but i am happy, like sooo Happy, i never thought i could lose this so fast, i will soon reach my first goal weight and get my reward...
i actually promised myself that i wont buy any new clothes before i reach my UGW so that is a big motivator to me,
but i know i will start losing slower when i get my weight lower... and
i was so good yesterday... i went to a birthday party and didnt eat the greasy sausages the where grilling... and there wasnt actually much else to eat either...so that was god...less temptations...didnt drink because i didnt feel like it... i usually prefer to dring in the right company and i usually dont get wasted(but it happens too sometimes) i actually dont drin very often...only on social events and sometimes home alone when i feel i need a few sips of alcohol.

and thanks for all your lovely comments... i is so nice to know that there are other people like me and i am not alone in this.. sometimes it feels that i am the only weird and unhappy one and eveyone else are doing great and are with perfect lives..but that is not the case, everyone has problems and worries they just dont always show them to other close people...
about my mum, we get along well and i love her and i konw that she loves and cares about me so much but that is the point... she cares and wants me to be happy and stuff so she puts her nose into my stuff and life and there all the problems start...i want to be independent and she cant let go of me...

You also need some stile...
So i was walking along a busy street yesterday and started to really watch people, how they look, what they are wearing and ec. so i really noticed that fat people look bad in most clothing and skinny look much better...even in clothing what went wery nice...
but still some outfits made me wonder if the person had looked herself from the mirror before she got out..?... some clothing they where waring where just so ugly...
and i got some really good thinspo walking on that street because i dont want to be the FAT GIRL... i want to be the sexy skinny girl who everyone are staring for thinspo... :D

1pm
i am so craving for something, i want to binge, eat, aet, eat, eat, but i am not going to... have to stay strong..
i am going to let myself have a 1000cal day..i know its bad but i will still exercise -600 on a bike and maybe even more if i can...
and 1000cals is better than a full on binge...
2.30pm
Kinda hate myself at the moment for eating so much...why am i so weak..i wasnt even hungry i just wanted some food in my mouth... fucking fat idiot...
6.24 pm
i am a fail ate shit loads of stuff... fill horrible going for a very long bike ride...

In: apple(100), fried potatoes(150), chicken(200), apple(100), chicken(100), milk(150), white bread+jam(200),bread(100)..more stuff
Total: about 1900

Out: cycling 105min -700 cal
muscle workout

8.26pm
so usually when i binge or overeat i just lay around the room and dont do anything because i feel like shit... well i did feel like shit after eating way too much...but this time i kicked my but and went for a bike ride... i was aiming 2-2.5 hors but i did 1h and 45min so thats 105 min what burned about 700cals witch leaves me 1200 more but my Basic metabolism (the cals i burn just staying alive with not activity) is about 1300 so i really hope i didnd at least cane any weight...
i am also doing an muscle workout but i will rest a bit so i can to a full on workot not only few exercises because i am to tired to do more.

sry about the constant editing but i need something to do...

10 am
It in not that bad... at least it starts with a five. and well it has been only one day since my last binge attack so it is fine. not going to be upset.
now i need to stay on track..
i have first aid course today so i have to go to a bigger town than mine. i will probably not eat during the day and then before i get there i will eat my packed dinner what i will take from home...
I have two reason why i will take it from home... 1) some food will be missing from the fridge so mum will be happy that i ate..2) i cant usually find anything filling and low cal and things i can eat outside from stores i visit...
I have big problems with throwing away food. me and my mum live together just two of us... i am usually home a lone during the day when she is at work... so avoiding food i easy but she will notice if i havent eaten anything from the fridge... so i should throw some of the food away but i seems so much of a waste of money....
BTW me and my mum live in a one room apartment That means: kitchen, hall-way, toilet, bathroom and ONE ROOM where we both sleep and just be during the days... so you might imagine the conflicts we might have... my mum is really sweet and wants to help me and stuff it is just me who dosent want her poking around my life... so i get upset when she starts the 21 questions...
so on work days she is usually gone from 8am-5.30pm so that is a happy day...usually i will then do my running or cycling workout so i will not be at home... and then sometimes she will go do something outside... but still we are together too much (in my mind) and the emotions just go overboard... what usually ends up mum crying because and i quote:"why dont you want to talk to me?".. jeah sry i just dont want to talk about my insecurities with you or any of the people i know.. i want to look strong and self-confident to others who know me... but you here.. dont know me in real life and well you will understand me because i know what it is like... so thanks huns for being here for me...
.... and i wanted to say that i dont cry never ever... my mum is so emotional but i am much colder when it come to dealing with sad stufff.
i am just rambling about sry.. i just need a place where i can let it all out.

You know my social life is getting away from me getting skinny... i have a birthday party coming on Saturday and there will be food..but i will probably manage to avoid it... at least i hope i can.. also we have to bring our own drinks so that really a cut back from cals because i really cant afford a lot of drinks...

1 pm
got back from my jogging. did 45 minutes and burned about 400 cals, so that is great and btw i am not even hungry at the moment what is even more great. did some abs too but i sill havent managed to come up with a good muscle workout routine for myself, also i am thinking that i should not do running or cycling and then have a muscle workout right after that because i am usually just so fucking tired that i cant to much... so jeah have to think about that.
In: bread(200), apple(100), chicken (150), Cauliflower with butter(150)
Total 600
Out: -400 jogging

THE MYTH: Yo-yo dieting wrecks your metabolism
It's become common wisdom that depriving yourself of food — a.k.a. dieting — puts you into "starvation mode," in which you burn fewer calories because your body needs to hold on to what little nutrition it's getting; over time, the theory goes, your metabolism slows down for good. But "while extreme low-calorie diets do temporarily lower your metabolism, the effects don't last," Snyderman says. Researchers in Canada compared the resting metabolic rates of women who'd yo-yo dieted for an average of 18 years with what their metabolism should be for their height, weight, and age — and found no difference in 92 percent of the subjects. "Yo-yo diets don't hurt you, but they do frustrate you because they mean you haven't found the right way to keep the weight off," says Snyderman.

-That is a very good news i might say... dont you think

For more, click here...

Some macaroni 150
Apple croissant 450
Total:600

exercise- cycling -600
did some abs (not much though)

I am looking for different exercises for abs, legs, but and arms... so i can make up an workout plan. if you have any good exercised post please...
i will post my plan when i get mu lazy ass working to finish it...

I bought some sugar replacement today because i drink so much tea and coffee but i cant drink them without sugar so i had to buy it.
i am feeling so fucking fat because of the binge eating yesterday. Going to weigh in tomorrow morning... afraid that the number will be big...

Mom bought some cauliflower. was so happy because it is so few cals.
Then she boiled it an added some butter WTF. god i hate it so much.. now i cant eat it but i want to... fucking mother...i have the feeling that she wants to fat me up...
we havent had a good relationship these past month or two because she anoyes me so much and she cant understand that i want to be skinny and beautiful.. she just makes fuud that makes me fat...

I want to be THIN right now... not to wait... why the hell did i let it go so far that i ma such a fat ass at the moment.. why didnt i control myself more...
I need to reach 51 kg before 1-st of September. When school starts.