My stomach is so big from the binge eating session i had yesterday, i feel ugly and discusting. where the hell was my common sense when i binged last night.?
i am probably at mt started weight again even more....
but i can do this.... today is an new start... i have my car lesson in the morning and then i have the day off... i probably cant do a fast because i will be too terrified that i will binge in the evening... that usually(not to say it always ) happens to me...
also i have this "club guy" who just wont stop calling me and asking when i am in town so we can meet up...
we met in the club last Friday and danced a little... now he want to meet and i well dont...because:
1.i am a big fat ugly cow at the moment (at least that i feel like one... because the food)
2. i am not that attracted to him... i am not even that sure if i would receognise the guy if he would walk past me... but i sure remember that he wasnt my type.
but in the other hand my love life is just miserable and depressing at the moment but well i petter be witout no guy than with one i dont really like...
My mum is so anoying.
Her" why are you not smiling?"
Why arent you more happy"
Me:" I am a fat, ugly, miserable, girl, who isnt liked by any guy she likes, and i dont even want to go out because i look so freaking horrible and i have the fattest and biggest stomach ever"
-but i wont say that... no...
I have noticed that lately my mood of the day depends of how much i have eaten and how fat i look from the mirror.... so why cant i just eat little so i can feel happy all day long???
Ok sry girls for this long... bitching... feeling sorry for myself entry i just wrote but i truly need a place where i can let it all out....
today is a new day and we will see what it brings to us...
it is just 6am at the moment so i will edit in the evening...
i dont even want to write anything.
the camp was so much fun.
the EAting was horrible. i am back to where i started probably even more. gone weigh myself Friday morning and hop i have lost some of this weight.
i lost so much in 3 days but is probably was just water weight not fat.
we played volleyball at the camp. it was hot and i put on my bikini then looked myself at the mirror and putted the shirt back on. i haded the way i looked.
i dont want to be the fat kid. i want to slim down. but todays eating was just so horrible.
oh why i do this to myself..?
gona start new tomorrow. no more than 600 cals and this time i am sticking to that.
i am feeling so numb lately, I WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN
I AM GOING TO BE THIN
i love all your comments BTW.
and i am going to watch "Perfect body" tomorrow if i get the chance
That's the number on the scale this morning. i think all of your lovely girls who are following know the exited, happy, jolly, high feeling you get when you step on a scale and the number is lower than the day before. i so much hope that you are doing great too. I know you are. we are strong and will make our dreams happen. (jeah i am an really happy person at the moment)
of course i hope i will not gain some of it back in my camp.... but i am sure that i will at least maintain my weight maybe even lower it a bit. i wanted to go running (i have a workout plan what says i should run for 45 min today) but it was raining so no running. i am thinking of skipping breakfast but i will see how i am feeling. i have this weird feeling in my head. it is not aching but this weird i dont know even how to describe it...
Intake:
cottage cheese 40
cucumber 10
"pelmeen" 550
peach 40
apple 100
Total:740
it is totaly too much but now i just cant eat anything for the rest of the day. it is 2.pm at tha moment. good give me strength.
Training: Biking 1,5hours -600cals
(i calculated on different sites and that is what was about the average result)
Mom made a "nice" breakfast so i just had to eat because she would have been so like: why are you not eating? what is wrong? blah blah
pelmeen-it is quite small ball what contains meat and around the meat is some dough, not very healthy :(
Today has been an excellent day. i found some marvelous thinspiration and i also had a long workout what burned a lot of cals. i might also go running in the evening because i could not go yesterday because of the rain.
I am going to a camp sort of a thing tomorrow for 3days. i hope i will have fantastic time there with my friends and i also hope to make some new acquaintances. maybe there will be hotsmoking guys. my love life really needs a boost at the moment.
i have this thing with this one guy who i really like but well i feel just too FAt at the moment to ask him if he wants to start dating me again...
ok the biggest downfall of this camp is that i have to eat there or my friends get all worried. i was really skinny last year and some of them where worried about me. but hell i got so many flattery compliments from them and other people about how good i look.
now i dont hear many compliments if any at all. you can say that normal girl are the prettyest but hell it is not true. Slim, fragile and petite girls get all the atention.
now i am at a normal weight and hate it want to get back to that i was.
i am downloading biggest looser hope it will make a good thinspo.
have any film/tv show suggestions what i might watch for thinspo.
Intake:
tomato 40
banana 100
cottage cheese 320
white bread 60
apple 160
Total:680
I have a training plan also but it is raining so i dont want to go running but if it stops i will kick my butt and start running.
What do you think how often should i weigh myself?
PN!Jogging for 45 min burns 400 cals
PN=personal note to myself
So i finally got my ass up and running at 8.00pm. even though i had a massive blister on my heel.
i was happy and running and then about five minutes after i had left the house it started pouring rain. FUCKING GREAT. The day i start my workout is the day it rains like hell. so much hate this at the moment. But it will be ok i will just do my today's running tomorrow morning(if it stops raining) and do my tomorrows workout tomorrow evening.
i cant bare to see my body in front of a mirror. i just hate the sight.
i also need to think a reward for myself when i reach my goal weight...
and a reward for the half point what is 55kg.
any suggestions?
Intake:
Bread- 130
Cottage cheese 320
macaroni 50
Total: 600
+ some alcohol
but we had a party so i just had to drink something. also we went to a nightclub and danced for 4 hours so i hope that i burned all the cals.
Plus i finally bought myself a scale so now i can monitor my weight easily and i hope that this will keep me on track.
So my weight is 61.2kg/134ibs
i have no idea, what is wrong.
i want to stop eating but i cant i just eat eat and eat and then hate mayself so much
i am trying to staff the emptiness the hollow feeling in my soul with food but it is not helping it is just making it bigger and bigger
i need to buy a scale
i have no idea how i keep it hidden from my mum but i need it.
any ides?
