Hunt for perfection....

That all i have to say.

So i had a fabulous day of not eating until four o'clock. This morning i weight 58.7 kg and i was jumping from joy. i had lost 6.3kg with 8 days. Of course i realized that most of it was water weight because when i weight it was after 4 days of full on binge eating. but i was happy and when i looked in the mirror i was not disgusted like i usually are. So all was well i even
went out with my friends and didnt eat cookies what where offered several times i was so happy about my self control and i had a really good time.
About 3pm i got home and started reading Cosmopolitan. And then i looked ate the refrigerator(witch is next to my bed at the moment bacause of the renovation)and i knew there was some cauli flower in ther so i thougt hmmm i have done so good i will just take a few bites. Well you all know whet that means. Before i knew it i was eating beanut butter from the jar with a knife.Well then i ate some more stuff about 3000cals( i didnt really want to count) i was so full and my tummy hurt so much. And i hated so much of myself. anywas then mom tells me she is going out. My tummy is so bloated and well what does a ED girl do when no-one is at home and she has just had a massive binge.?...
Of course here comes her friendenemy mia. I put on some music to cover the voices what i was doinf in the bathroom and looked the door.
Well i may just say that i dont like to purge. It is just so uncomfortable and messy and just not my thing. And i may also say that i am not good at it i have done it like 10 times and usually i can purge very very little. But this time it was different i was much better in it and i think i actually Purged like 1/5 of all i had eaten. i know it is not much but usually i am lucky if i can geat i few mouthfulls of food up (i know grose) Anywys i felt better and also mure shittyer after that. I hated that i had to stick my finger down my troath but i loved the feeling that i had atleast gotten out some of the horrible food.
Now when i finished i had a problem. The toilet was smelling well it was smelling like someone had just purged. I know that my mom would have smelled it and then i would have to do some explaining. But you know i am a clever girl. I turned on the stove put some milk into the pot and then just left it there. So now my house was full of burnt milk smell. I knew that my mom would say a few words about me not beeing carefull when i cook something but that is a hell of a lot better than her finding out that her lovely daughter just spen half an our on her kneew and her head sticked in the toilet.

I have no ide what i am going to do tomorrow. i may fast if i feel that i am up to it or maybe i will go buy ise-cream eat it and purge. Okey i am not going to purge any more well at least not soon.

hope you all loveles are doing better. I GOT BORED SO I DID ANOTHER COLLAGE.

I got bored so i did this little collage. I am unhappy they i dont have a printer so i could print it out.


I am doing okey at the moment. In food department no solid food has passed my lips from 7.00pm last night and no food solid food will not pass my lips as long as i can keep this up. But i am aiming for a 65 hour fast witch means i get to eat breakfast on Saturday morning at 10 am. Just have to watch out that i will not end my fast with binge eating.
My mom will be home like an hour or so and well i have to throw some food away or she will notice that i havent eaten. There is just two of us so it is really simple to notice that i havent eaten when i dont throw anything away. i actually dont want to do that but i have no other choice. Some bread and beanut butter will be sacrificed. that means i cant binge on them in the evening so thats 2 good points.
I havent done anything much today. i finished reading 2 blogs from start to finish.
Poker face and Guest for perfection (sry my computer went nuts and i cant Link) . I should do something besides siting in from of my computer but i am just to lazy ass to do anything else.

I will be going to the library when my mom gets home. I am a bit avoiding her at the moment even though i have no good reason for it. Just that she will ask Questions about my life and for some reason even the most smallest things irritate the hell out of me. I mean i hate when she comes home, looks at me and then decides in her little head that i dont look happy enough so she goes like : "what is the matter? be happier bla-blah. God could you just leave me alone for once. Cant you understand that i dont feel comfortable about speaking to you about my feelings and things what are going on in my life. I knows she really loves me and cares and wants to be my best friend and the person who i can just speak freely about everything but it is just not happening. okey. So leave it alone. I will never tell you that i have issues with eating, my body and well everything in my life. I dont want you to know or i dont want my friends to know because they will not understand me and they will judge me and they will start thinking differently about me and i dont want that. To them i will be this confident girl who can achieve everything she wants.

Intake: 800 (chicken, apples, banana, slice of bread)
I know it is Quite high but well at least i am not binging. I mean my food plan is so messed up i usually skip breakfast(i know most important meal of the day blah-blah) so lunch will be like 200 cal and then dinner is like i go nuts. But well i mean even if i would eat breakfast and a normal lunch i would still eat the same size dinner as i do on days i skip breakfast. so i may as well fast on till dinner so my cals will be lower for the day. and in my mind that is all what counts. i know that it is more likely that i gain weight when i eat dinner than i eat breakfast because i cant burn the cals before bed but well i am just stronger in the morning than in the evening. So i will stick to what works for me.

On another note i am from now on trying to structure my writings more like i will have actually paragraphs and punctuation marks and a big letter at the start of a sentence. Because before i was so like what ever, i will just write and dont care about that crap but it is so much better to read when everything is in order. I know before i used a lot of this: .... . it usually means an unfinished sentence or thought. And that actually happens a lot to me i have many times trouble to like say out loud the thought or idea i am thinking of. it is like i have everything planned in my mind but i find it sometimes hard to explain others what is in my mind, if you know what i mean. okey, i am now more structured.

I think i mentioned in some of my older post that i am doing my licences. I my country we have to go to a driving school and take some theory and practical ( drive a car around the city) lessons. When the learning part is finished we have to take schools theory and driving tests. And i did my theory test today and i passed. but it was like so close to failing. and i have my driving test on Monday (scary) and after that is done we have to go and do another theory and driving test in the ...(dont know how to say it) Car Register Center. when that is done i get my license and that will be a day i will party like hell. Anyways i have to learn so much for my theory test in CRC because i kind of cheated today. I know i am bad but hell i needed to pass because my driving test was all ready scheduled on Monday. and anyways i need to do a norther theory test and there i cant cheat but i will have at least a month to learn so i will be fine.
Actually i had the chance to to the tests earlier but the thing was that a few weeks ago i was so depressed because of my eating that i even didnt go out of my room so. I dont want to go back to that dark hole again NEVER EVER. That was Just so BAd. i dont even want to think about that.

SO i have Thursday and Friday when my mom is working most of the day and i am home alone. ( my mom had vacation last 3 days and i almost went nuts) Anyway i usually tend to binge when i am home alone and nothing to occupy my time but well this time that will not happen actually i am trying to liquid fast for two days. Well see how i do. i will not beat myself up if i eat little but dont binge. I have actually completed a fast once and it was just one day but you have to start form somewhere. Right.
Plan:
Liquids: water, orange juice diluted with water, coffee+sugar replacement+milk, tea+milk+sugar replacement.
Things to keep me occupied:

• Read the book i bought tonight "The Magic of Metaphor"by Nick Owen
  
• Repair my tv (the satellite is disconnected)
• Go to the library
  
• Find new thinspo pics and do a collage
  
• Make a workout plan for school time
  
• Move my moms couch to the right place
• DO some fucking exercise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Read books when i want to eat.
• Write 3 pages to my Diary
• Pluck my eyebrows
• Pedicure/manicure
• 
  

My exercising has been so down. My bike is in the cellar because of the renovation and i cant get it out of there for at least a week and i hate running but i better start doing some exercising. I know that if i eat little i will loose but if i will exercise i will loose so much faster and also i want to be toned skinny not flabby skinny so jeah. Better start that exercising plan.
So what are you favourite exercise for abs, but and well everywhere else? I need your help please.!.

OMG so my friend is sending me pictures from our last party and it was just after my binge episode at the beginning of August and i look like a HUGE; FAT; FLABBY GOW. it is so bad i just dont want to look at them. My arms and tights are HUGE i mean they are like Fat all over the place. How didnt i see that when i was eating. BAd me. So now i looked up some pictures from last year when my bmi: 18 and hell i looked so good. Why the fucking hell did i let myself get this point that i cant make a difference between myself and a fat pig. At least there pics what i ot from hear where a big thinspo. i am so sad right now. And this gives me more determination to shed this weight. I WILL DO MY FAST TOMORROW AND THE NEXT DAY AND I WILL ACCOMPLISH WHAT I NEED AND WANT.

I will reply to your comments now (and try to link also):

Heather:Well i was saying i will not beat myself up but in realty we all know that that little worse in you head still goes: what the hell did you eat so much. That voice just stays there weather you want to hear it or not.

Rihianna: Thank you so much. you really made me a bit happier after reading your comment. nice to have you as a buddy.

Lady Destroyed: Jeah you should get that. also i did some research and well you should do at least 45 min everyday for it to work the best. that should not be hard because you can like watch tv at the same time. Like on Mondays i hula-hoop and watch Americas next top model so that an hour of hooping right there.

Ana's Girl:Well it was a half binge i suppose. because i usually just loose it in the evenings. but this time i could stop myself before reaching like 3000 cals.
M is a sweet hart and i love to talk to him and i think i can really trust him anything accept my eating disorders. because i just dont want him to think that i am some nuts girl who cant be happy with myself. In every situation i try to seem confident even if i am not. And i just wanted to say that all your comments are so supportive. Thanks for being there.

CA:Thanks so much for your help. i try to investigate some more and then i will post a table or something here.

Okey this time i even did some links. i am so proud hehe. Now i will go and check out all your blogs. Which should be easy. Because a minute ago i went to the kitchen thirsty as hell and the first thing i found was a big cup of cold coffee left over from my "breakfast" so before thinking i just poured it down and now well i dont really think i will be going to bed very soon.

Intake: 400 apples
--------150 fish stick
--------200 bread
Total: 750

Outtake: hula-hooping 2 hours -????
being alive 1 day -1300 cal

My basic metabolism rate is 1300 cals. that is what i burn just staying alive.

USA-----UK---European------Bust size------Waist size------Hip size
--0 ------4-------30-------31.5 in/80 cm-----23"/60cm------34"/86 cm --2 ------6-------32-------34.5"-35"/87cm----------26.5"-27"-------36.5"-37".

Well after my research i realize that the numbers are so varied... i wanted to know how little i have to be but well ever page i was on gave different numbers... frustrating. so if someone could help me a little in that department that would be great...

Intake: about 1600 cal
But it is fine i am not going to beat myself up. it is less than a regular person would eat. it is fine i will do better tomorrow. i am not harsh on myself becasue last time it led to a binge. and also i did some exercise so...
i went to town and i walked everywhere no public transportation. well i think i walked at least 9miles today so that is great
WAlking: -500cal
hula-hooping
I also did 2 hours of that but not in water, i was in my living room and at the same time i was watching Biggest looser. But really i have no idea how much it bunt cals. ANdd soy for the gross pic but it i a good reverse thinspo...
So if someone could tell me how much it burnt cals that would be great...
SO i have to mention that it is a really good workout for your waste and especially for my gross muffin tops.

Cant hurt a fly.- Well that expression you cant use when you are describing me because i just killed of at least dozen of those little bastards. I mean i got to bed about 1am and dozed to sleep about 2am and then i woke up a few times because my troth was so dry and i had drink some water... but then i just could not fall a sleep again because the flies where all over my face and they would just not go away so i had to wave my hand constantly to scare them off so no sleeping.. annoying as hell. so i did a little fly manicure a few minutes ago. i had to be careful though because if my mom saw a dead fly corpse on her new wall-paper she would do her own manicure if you know what i mean...

I lost my earring today or yesterday... dam i loved those earring they looked good on me... and today in the morning when i realized it was gone i fist thought that i lost it at my trip to city but i looked around a bit and find the really tiny thing what keep the earring in your ear so i had to loose it at home, but i cant find it. the back of the earring is like so tiny and i found it almost instantly but i cant find a 2cm purple earring ... may i say i was annoyed.
it i just like when i was in town i was so easy to find out all the bus schedules and take a long drive where i had to switch between 3 buses to get from one mall to another in a town i dont know but it took me fucking half an our to find the toilet in the mall even though i had the map of the place... like WTF
i am babbling all over the place sry...

Intake: 600cal what included tomatoes and apples (hint the heading)
--------100cal-bread
-------100cal soup
Total: 800

So my computer just finished downloading Biggest looser season 7. going to just this for reverse and also positive thinspo. also this will occupy some time when i will not be eating.

I had a nice chat with...well lets call him M... i had not heard from him about a month and i can admit it that i really missed talking to him... i met him a year ago and hi lives far away but we meet time to time and also text and have long talks in msn. I just feel that he is a good friend and i trust him more that my friend who i have known for years. and i just love to talk to him. it is so easy... he is a good friend and i think he likes me maybe even wants me as a girlfriend and i really dont know... he is sweet and i can feel that he cares about me so much... and god he is just i dont know so good to me and makes me cheer up and makes me feel like i am pretty and loved... but i dont know if i have those feeling for him or not... i have to sort out my feelings.. and there is also T who i havent seen about 2months and well i still obsess about him... T is more of a abad boy but M is sort of good boy...
M is so observant. i spent tow days with him and he totally noticed my eating was so wrong...
He said:" you know you worry too much about what you eat"
i was just speechless... he piked up that so easily ... just with a day spent together... and my friend didnt take the issue up even when my bmi was like 18 or so.
but he just said one sentence and didnt torched the subject more although we spoke all night.

Comments:

Ana's Girl : thank you so much your comments just lift my mood.
jeah being called normal is just so bad for me...i hate to be average or in the middle i want to be the best in everything i do and i want to be the hottest girl...
mediocrity is my worst enemy!!!!

Vee: really hope you find my blog interesting even if it just consist of my obsessions and bitching.
jeah i hate and love shopping... i like to get new nice thing what look fab on me but i hate to try on like thousand shirts in what you look like big fat cow before you find the one what works wonders on you.
Hope you will have a great and loosing ;) week too.

And i am thinking of posting a picture of myself sometime maybe 1 of September. so i will keep it up for a few days so you can match the face and the blog but then i will delete it because i am way to paranoid to keep it up.

Edit: 23.39pm
so i just got out of shower. god i stayed there for so long and enjoyed it, but after that i had to do a hair mask for my really damaged ends, and when i got back at the bathroom to rinse the mask out the water was so freesing...that sgows you not to take so long showers.