Hunt for perfection....

I am so sorry to say this but i have to move my blog to a different palce.
i have some tecincal problems and also some other stuff.

some people almost found out about this blog and now i have to do a nother one to protect myself more.
i am sorry and i hope you start following me also in my new blog

and also i am posting some pictures tomorrow to my new blog so i hope i see you all there soon :D


New blog here !

I am not allowed to post before i am 59.0 kg.
I am a miserable failure and need to get myself together, so untill i havent done that i dont deserve your lovely comments.

I will see you when i am 59.0 kg....
Ofcourse then i need to lose more 8 kg but i want to be out of the sixties before i come back.

1. Favourite healthy binge food:
2. Favourite thinspo song:
3. Favourite thinspo book:
4. Favourite thinspo film:
5: Favourite thinspo person:
6. Whats your ultimate goal weight and why did you pick it:
7. How do you think your ED has affected your life:
8: How do you think your ED has affected other people's lives:
9: Where do you get the majority of your support:
10: Whats your best feature:

I mean 100g more(that is 0.22ibs) and i wold have reached my goal to be in the fifties by 16.October. But no i could not be like 59.9 i had to be 60.0. i am do mad mad, but okey lest face it. I lost 2.7 kg(6ibs) i 4 days. That is like fantastic. well of course at least half of that was water weight from my binge weekend so i dont think i lost that much fat. But anyways i would have been perfect to be 59.9. Argghhh.

Intake: 470
That is soup plus bread. I also had a dessert at school a cup of yogurt(135kcal)t but i did not eat it. I took it home, it is in my refrigerator at the moment. I tought that if i get like really hungry i can eat it, but then i read my blog comments and Ana Girl suggested that we should not eat anything sweet. so i am not eating that Yogurt. You are so great Ana's girl. We are strong and can make it. No sweet stuff no more today or any food at all in that matter.

So plan for the weekend:
Friday-no food after 12am( last meal school lunch)
Saturday- No food until like 4pm.
We are going to a party with E and we are staying at her grandmother house so supper will be a must. Because i will not have any excuse to say no because i will spend the hole day with E and she will know that i have not eaten anything all day. But i will keep the intake low. max 500kcal.
also party means alcohol but i dry not to go overboard. I mean i usually dont drink that much. i just want a good buzz not i am so fucking drunk i cant walk. And on an almost empty stomach i will reach mu buzz really fast.
Sunday- breakfast at E grandma's place and then no food.

By the way Ana's Girl M is blond and T is brunette. so what a coincidence. and also M is really sweet and T is more of a EGO and bad boy. i mean i once cried because of him and i like cry like less than once a year. But T is with a better body and the sexual tension between us is like wow.

so do you want to see pictures about me?
i mean like a head shot because i am too ashamed to show my body just jet. so maybe i will post some pictures on sunday

Firstly, i now have the tickets to that concert i talked a few days ago so we are definitely going. i just hope that M can also come that would be fantastic. i mean maybe i will find the courage from somewhere and try to make that next step and see if he would like me as his girlfriend. I have this thing that i think that i am too ugly, fat and boring for anyone to like me so my self-esteem is like rock-bottom.
i have actually this other guy T who i dated a year ago for a really short time, but guess what i still like him and think about him often. And there i am also like does he still like me or not. we did not break up but we just drifted away but i wish we hadnt. he has like the perfect body.
but M is really sweet and cares about me.
so i am like who do i pick.??... well i am talking about picking but maybe neither of the guys like me or want me as there gf.
We had out class pictures taken and also this album pictures where are all of the teachers and our portrait pictures. i really fucking hope i look good on on those pictures and not like a fat cow. i mean in 11 years i have only one class picture where i look normal and not a monster and that pic was taken last year when i was like 10kg lighter so.

do you have some thing that you decide if you are skinny or not.?
To my mind i am skinny if i can ware a white T-shirt and not look FAT. i never ware white t-shirts because they make me fat.

I really need to get up from my saggy butt and start doing some workouts.

I have like huge amount of clothes what i cant ware at the moment because i am a fat cow. i bought clothes and they are all in XS size and pretty tight. so every fat particle will show. Need to get skinny soon so i can ware all my lovely new clothes. Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.

Food intake:670
I am a bit worried that my body is going to starvation mode and start holding on to that fat. so i am like should i eat something to keep my metabolism going or not.
What do you think?

Ana Girl- thanks for your support. i really love to read your blog. maybe tomorrow i will not eat any of my dessert at school. lets hope that :D.

dietlexy-people see one thing and the real me is something else. i feel like i am waring a mask to hide all my flaws and fears ( fears make us vulnerable)

So about the concert thing i decided not to go with the two couples but i am still going. actually we will be going to another town to see the same concert on Saturday with E.
another plus to that is that my friend M might come also. I have mentioned m in my previous post. hes is such a nice guy i love to talk to him. we send text all the time. He is not my bf but well i would not mind if he was.

Food intake-750
Personal accomplishment-i ate only half of my desert at school. i always eat all my desert at school so that is a big deal to me. if i would have know how much cals it had i would have not even the half.

I feel like i am living in a sope ophera.
I have this friend E who wants to throw her birthay party in R-s oncles house, but she cant because the oncle wont allow it. so no E is mad on R and R is mad at E. I mean god could you just grow up. It is not R's fault that her oncle wont allow them do a party. E should just find a different place and well get over it.
Anyways the reason this all affects me ( besides that they are my friends) is that we had a plan to go to a club/ concert thsi weekend and now R does not want E to come so that mean if i want to go i have to go with R and her boyfriend and with K and her boyfriend. Two couples and than me. I dont think that wold be fun for me but i really need some partying....
what do you think girls? should i go?

Also E and R had a fight a few week ago when E told R that she is diching her freinds for a boy. I mean they a both so anoying.

Anyways in good new i Water fasted yestarday Wohooooo....
and today i have consumed 460kcal.

Height: 166/ 5'5"
Weight: 62,7kg/138ibs
Bmi: 22.8

Bust: 95cm/37.4 inc
Waist: 75cm/29.5 inc
Hips: 91 cm/ 35.8 inc
Tight: 54 cm/21.3 inc
Lower part of the leg: 37cm/ 14.6 inc

So my goals are:

Weight: 51/112inc
bmi 18.5
Bust: 81
Waist: 61
Hips 91
I choose those measurements because they are a American size 0 or 2 (i am not sure)

Goal date: 23.december
Of course i want to reach it earlyer.

Those number are just my First thought i may stop before i reach 51 kg or loose even more it really depends on how i see myself from the mirror.
If you have any sugestions for my goal weight dont hestitate to say what you think.

1.59 am:
Jeah i admit it. i am totally fucked up. i mean i have no fucking idea what the hell is going on in my head. I am like a robot i just do things i am supposed to do as well as i can.( and at the moment i cant handle even that) i am so numb i dont fucking care that i have a big test tomorrow. i had the hole weekend to study but what did i do? Ding-ding i binged like the wold is going to end.
I mean i have never been so depressed and sad and so "i dont fucking care about anything". it is so late and i should go to sleep becaue i have to wake up tomorrow at 7.am and go to scool but fuck school.

In a better note i took out my tarot cards today and well if they are right i am going to have a really good boy relationship soon. God i hope the cards a right. i mean i really need some cuddling.

I am off to bed now. i will uptade in the evening and report how my first day went. jeah i am restarting my weight loss programm ( ofcoures this is like my hundret first day, but hell who cares)

sry i am in a really depressed/bitchi mood after my binge and also some god damn Boy problems.

My computer was totally not working almost a month so i could not post. Also i have been so depressed that i sometimes just want to curl up in a corner and stay there and hide myself from the world. I havent lost any weight. I eat normally and then i binge. and starve myself for a day or two and then binge. I think i am about 62 kg. at the moment. I know it is discusting. Just discusting. I am depressed i hate school and i hate me. I hate taht i am so weak. Anyways i am starting again. this time it is
Do it or be a discusting cow the rest of the world.