Hunt for perfection....

I am so sorry to say this but i have to move my blog to a different palce.
i have some tecincal problems and also some other stuff.

some people almost found out about this blog and now i have to do a nother one to protect myself more.
i am sorry and i hope you start following me also in my new blog

and also i am posting some pictures tomorrow to my new blog so i hope i see you all there soon :D


New blog here !

I am not allowed to post before i am 59.0 kg.
I am a miserable failure and need to get myself together, so untill i havent done that i dont deserve your lovely comments.

I will see you when i am 59.0 kg....
Ofcourse then i need to lose more 8 kg but i want to be out of the sixties before i come back.

1. Favourite healthy binge food:
2. Favourite thinspo song:
3. Favourite thinspo book:
4. Favourite thinspo film:
5: Favourite thinspo person:
6. Whats your ultimate goal weight and why did you pick it:
7. How do you think your ED has affected your life:
8: How do you think your ED has affected other people's lives:
9: Where do you get the majority of your support:
10: Whats your best feature:

I mean 100g more(that is 0.22ibs) and i wold have reached my goal to be in the fifties by 16.October. But no i could not be like 59.9 i had to be 60.0. i am do mad mad, but okey lest face it. I lost 2.7 kg(6ibs) i 4 days. That is like fantastic. well of course at least half of that was water weight from my binge weekend so i dont think i lost that much fat. But anyways i would have been perfect to be 59.9. Argghhh.

Intake: 470
That is soup plus bread. I also had a dessert at school a cup of yogurt(135kcal)t but i did not eat it. I took it home, it is in my refrigerator at the moment. I tought that if i get like really hungry i can eat it, but then i read my blog comments and Ana Girl suggested that we should not eat anything sweet. so i am not eating that Yogurt. You are so great Ana's girl. We are strong and can make it. No sweet stuff no more today or any food at all in that matter.

So plan for the weekend:
Friday-no food after 12am( last meal school lunch)
Saturday- No food until like 4pm.
We are going to a party with E and we are staying at her grandmother house so supper will be a must. Because i will not have any excuse to say no because i will spend the hole day with E and she will know that i have not eaten anything all day. But i will keep the intake low. max 500kcal.
also party means alcohol but i dry not to go overboard. I mean i usually dont drink that much. i just want a good buzz not i am so fucking drunk i cant walk. And on an almost empty stomach i will reach mu buzz really fast.
Sunday- breakfast at E grandma's place and then no food.

By the way Ana's Girl M is blond and T is brunette. so what a coincidence. and also M is really sweet and T is more of a EGO and bad boy. i mean i once cried because of him and i like cry like less than once a year. But T is with a better body and the sexual tension between us is like wow.

so do you want to see pictures about me?
i mean like a head shot because i am too ashamed to show my body just jet. so maybe i will post some pictures on sunday

Firstly, i now have the tickets to that concert i talked a few days ago so we are definitely going. i just hope that M can also come that would be fantastic. i mean maybe i will find the courage from somewhere and try to make that next step and see if he would like me as his girlfriend. I have this thing that i think that i am too ugly, fat and boring for anyone to like me so my self-esteem is like rock-bottom.
i have actually this other guy T who i dated a year ago for a really short time, but guess what i still like him and think about him often. And there i am also like does he still like me or not. we did not break up but we just drifted away but i wish we hadnt. he has like the perfect body.
but M is really sweet and cares about me.
so i am like who do i pick.??... well i am talking about picking but maybe neither of the guys like me or want me as there gf.
We had out class pictures taken and also this album pictures where are all of the teachers and our portrait pictures. i really fucking hope i look good on on those pictures and not like a fat cow. i mean in 11 years i have only one class picture where i look normal and not a monster and that pic was taken last year when i was like 10kg lighter so.

do you have some thing that you decide if you are skinny or not.?
To my mind i am skinny if i can ware a white T-shirt and not look FAT. i never ware white t-shirts because they make me fat.

I really need to get up from my saggy butt and start doing some workouts.

I have like huge amount of clothes what i cant ware at the moment because i am a fat cow. i bought clothes and they are all in XS size and pretty tight. so every fat particle will show. Need to get skinny soon so i can ware all my lovely new clothes. Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.

Food intake:670
I am a bit worried that my body is going to starvation mode and start holding on to that fat. so i am like should i eat something to keep my metabolism going or not.
What do you think?

Ana Girl- thanks for your support. i really love to read your blog. maybe tomorrow i will not eat any of my dessert at school. lets hope that :D.

dietlexy-people see one thing and the real me is something else. i feel like i am waring a mask to hide all my flaws and fears ( fears make us vulnerable)

So about the concert thing i decided not to go with the two couples but i am still going. actually we will be going to another town to see the same concert on Saturday with E.
another plus to that is that my friend M might come also. I have mentioned m in my previous post. hes is such a nice guy i love to talk to him. we send text all the time. He is not my bf but well i would not mind if he was.

Food intake-750
Personal accomplishment-i ate only half of my desert at school. i always eat all my desert at school so that is a big deal to me. if i would have know how much cals it had i would have not even the half.

I feel like i am living in a sope ophera.
I have this friend E who wants to throw her birthay party in R-s oncles house, but she cant because the oncle wont allow it. so no E is mad on R and R is mad at E. I mean god could you just grow up. It is not R's fault that her oncle wont allow them do a party. E should just find a different place and well get over it.
Anyways the reason this all affects me ( besides that they are my friends) is that we had a plan to go to a club/ concert thsi weekend and now R does not want E to come so that mean if i want to go i have to go with R and her boyfriend and with K and her boyfriend. Two couples and than me. I dont think that wold be fun for me but i really need some partying....
what do you think girls? should i go?

Also E and R had a fight a few week ago when E told R that she is diching her freinds for a boy. I mean they a both so anoying.

Anyways in good new i Water fasted yestarday Wohooooo....
and today i have consumed 460kcal.

Height: 166/ 5'5"
Weight: 62,7kg/138ibs
Bmi: 22.8

Bust: 95cm/37.4 inc
Waist: 75cm/29.5 inc
Hips: 91 cm/ 35.8 inc
Tight: 54 cm/21.3 inc
Lower part of the leg: 37cm/ 14.6 inc

So my goals are:

Weight: 51/112inc
bmi 18.5
Bust: 81
Waist: 61
Hips 91
I choose those measurements because they are a American size 0 or 2 (i am not sure)

Goal date: 23.december
Of course i want to reach it earlyer.

Those number are just my First thought i may stop before i reach 51 kg or loose even more it really depends on how i see myself from the mirror.
If you have any sugestions for my goal weight dont hestitate to say what you think.

1.59 am:
Jeah i admit it. i am totally fucked up. i mean i have no fucking idea what the hell is going on in my head. I am like a robot i just do things i am supposed to do as well as i can.( and at the moment i cant handle even that) i am so numb i dont fucking care that i have a big test tomorrow. i had the hole weekend to study but what did i do? Ding-ding i binged like the wold is going to end.
I mean i have never been so depressed and sad and so "i dont fucking care about anything". it is so late and i should go to sleep becaue i have to wake up tomorrow at 7.am and go to scool but fuck school.

In a better note i took out my tarot cards today and well if they are right i am going to have a really good boy relationship soon. God i hope the cards a right. i mean i really need some cuddling.

I am off to bed now. i will uptade in the evening and report how my first day went. jeah i am restarting my weight loss programm ( ofcoures this is like my hundret first day, but hell who cares)

sry i am in a really depressed/bitchi mood after my binge and also some god damn Boy problems.

My computer was totally not working almost a month so i could not post. Also i have been so depressed that i sometimes just want to curl up in a corner and stay there and hide myself from the world. I havent lost any weight. I eat normally and then i binge. and starve myself for a day or two and then binge. I think i am about 62 kg. at the moment. I know it is discusting. Just discusting. I am depressed i hate school and i hate me. I hate taht i am so weak. Anyways i am starting again. this time it is
Do it or be a discusting cow the rest of the world.

So sorry i havent posted for so long.
I have been bad and depressed and what ever. It is in the past now and behind me.
I i asked to a birthday party by M. the really sweet guy.
One big problem. I look so fat and nothing looks good on me.

So i did my homework. What is great because usually i do it Sunday late evenings or not at all. You know it is good to be the "good girl" sometimes. All my teachers think that i am this sweet and really good girl and sometimes i am. And i do care about people but in the end i am the most important person for me.
All my friends say that i am a person who wants to achieve more and more and is really determined. And AMBITIOUS. That is so true because i want to be the best in everything. There is no second place. It is the winner and the looser.

I am watching Supersize Vs. Superskinny. Really good.

I hate being at home i just snack constantly. And that ads up way too much food. Usually i go to the fridge and just eat there. i dont put my food on the plate and that really has to stop.
Intake
about 2500, damn honey

Running:-300

Ate like a fucking big. I really need some good distractions.
Went running, sprained my leg what means i ran like 30 minutes only.
Mom is now really spying on me. Found out that i took a laxative pill i denied but i dont really thing she bought me.
I just wish she would leave me fucking alone.

That was the number on the scale today morning, i should have been 60 kg so i am behind my goal for 0,4kg. That is bad but as the way i am eating i didnt expect a miracle. I kown i should not consume so much cals but if i dont eat well at breakfast and lunch my stomach will start being and asshole and make noises from hell. Anywasy at least i am loosing. But the progress will be slow and i will hate that it takse so long but well eventually i will be skinny. i mean when i wanted a fast loose i didnt eat much for days and then binged like a cow.
I had PE today. I was so damn hot there because i was wearing a long sleaved sweatshirt. But there was no way in hell i would have taken it off. I would have looked so discusting with my tight gym t-shirt. i was a idiot when i cleaned my closet i threw away all my big shirts so i would have to loose weight or nothing would fit me. Also it mean that all my shirts are now really tight and i have nothing suitable to wear for PE.

Bread: 150
Soup: 200
Milk dessert: 240
apples:300

Running: -400

I eat lunch at school so some of my cals are not as accurate but that is the best i can do.

It is day 2 of school and already i cant do my homework. i just keep putting it off. I have to do this translation thing for my English class(English is not my mother tongue) and i just... so lazy and i dont want to do it because it is a long boring text.
So about eating. i know i should really start counting calories to find out how much i eat but i think about 1200 today. I know it is a lot but i am trying to break the cycle of eat 500cals for 7 days and then go into full binge mode for 4 days and gain all i lost back. Anyways we will see how this will work.
i promise i will start counting calories from tomorrow.
Anyways on have a exercise plan 2 days of running for 45minutes then one day off then 2 running and so on. This gives my body time to recover. Also i will start doing different abs, but and arm exercised. well i did some today but i cant really cont that as a real muscle building workout.
I have PE tomorrow and i hate it. i have really tight workout clothes and i just look ugly fat in them and every mean girl/and we have lots of them) will see my fat discusting body and just will comment on that. Even if they dont say it loud i know what they think, she was so skinny last year but now she has gotten all the fat back. But i will show those girls i will be the hottest girl in my class soon.
Tomorrow is the first weigh in. wish me luck.

Ana's Girl: I really hope my mom will leave me alone, if she keeps this up i will blow off on her and really screm to leave me alone and mind her own business. Jeah the plan is ok. I will loose slowly maybe even very slowly but atleast i will not binge ( well i hope i will not) And all you comments are really lovely.

Thinantha: I hope you dont have to have that conversation with anyone. Mine was:
Mom: we need to talk about your eating. Do you have eating disorders, i mean anorexia?
Me: no. you dont have to worry. i have no eating disorder so just leave me alone.
MOM: i see how you eat. you know exepting it is the first step to recovery.
ME: I dont have an ED okey. dont you thrust me if i say id ont have it.
Mom:....
In my mind i just wanted to screm: I AM 18 I CAN DO WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO AND YOU HAVE NO POWER TO STOP ME DOING WHAT I WANT.

About the tatto... How much it will cost like to do it. i have no idea?

piana: I love to play football with friends, but i dont like watching it bores me to hell.

Rachel B:I love scool in that way. it really distracts me and i cant eat there. actually i love that i have thing that fill my day, it is so much easiyer. i mean when i had all free days in summer i just ate all the time because i was bored.

CA: I will do something meaningful i just dont know what jet.

PS! Thank you so much for being so suportive about the mother thing.

SHIT.
My mom had an "do you have anorexia?" conversation with me. I said no. i dont know did he believe me or not. Heaven knows i am not skinny enough to be anorexic. Well she thinks i have problems because she found my laxatives ( stupid me, should have hidden them more carefully) and also she saw or read a page from my diary( i wanted to kill her).
At least i am 18 so there are not a lot of things she can do besides the long conversations she wants to have where i talk about my feelings and stuff. Jeah mom that is never going to happen.
i have 10 months to live with her and then i will be of to university or to another country. So that will be great. At this point i just want my mom to leave me alone.

Anyways i had a great time with my friends yesterday. We drank some champagne, did some pictures and just talked and laughed. Food was bad but at least i stopped myself from binge eating but lets say i was no where near anorexia.
But i did go running or actually it was jogging. well i have this plan that i go jogging at least 3 times a week for 45 minutes. but i think i can do better and maybe even 6 times a week but 3 is minimal.
anywas i have this new plan i will eat breakfast and lunch and no dinner. and weekends i will eat 700 Saturday and fast on Sunday. Sunday is a really good day to fast beacause i cant binge when i finish my fast( i binge every time i try to fast) because i it will be Monday morning and i have to go to school.

Today was first day of school. I really felt like i was the fattest girl in our class and believe me the feeling was not good.
i have set myself the ultimate date . I want to be 51 kg on the first day of Autumn holiday. That gives me 52 day to loose this fatt i have on me. I know i can do this or i will have to start going to school naked because i dont have anything to ware because all my clothes will be too small for me.
I have a reward for myself. If i am 51 kg on the morning of 23.October i will get a tattoo.
So i have to do tow things by then
1) loose the fat 10kg
2) make up my mind what kind of tattoo i want.

<--i want my tattoo on the same spot like on the picture. i just dont know what picture i will make there... If anyone has suggestions what i should do please let me know.

That all i have to say.

So i had a fabulous day of not eating until four o'clock. This morning i weight 58.7 kg and i was jumping from joy. i had lost 6.3kg with 8 days. Of course i realized that most of it was water weight because when i weight it was after 4 days of full on binge eating. but i was happy and when i looked in the mirror i was not disgusted like i usually are. So all was well i even
went out with my friends and didnt eat cookies what where offered several times i was so happy about my self control and i had a really good time.
About 3pm i got home and started reading Cosmopolitan. And then i looked ate the refrigerator(witch is next to my bed at the moment bacause of the renovation)and i knew there was some cauli flower in ther so i thougt hmmm i have done so good i will just take a few bites. Well you all know whet that means. Before i knew it i was eating beanut butter from the jar with a knife.Well then i ate some more stuff about 3000cals( i didnt really want to count) i was so full and my tummy hurt so much. And i hated so much of myself. anywas then mom tells me she is going out. My tummy is so bloated and well what does a ED girl do when no-one is at home and she has just had a massive binge.?...
Of course here comes her friendenemy mia. I put on some music to cover the voices what i was doinf in the bathroom and looked the door.
Well i may just say that i dont like to purge. It is just so uncomfortable and messy and just not my thing. And i may also say that i am not good at it i have done it like 10 times and usually i can purge very very little. But this time it was different i was much better in it and i think i actually Purged like 1/5 of all i had eaten. i know it is not much but usually i am lucky if i can geat i few mouthfulls of food up (i know grose) Anywys i felt better and also mure shittyer after that. I hated that i had to stick my finger down my troath but i loved the feeling that i had atleast gotten out some of the horrible food.
Now when i finished i had a problem. The toilet was smelling well it was smelling like someone had just purged. I know that my mom would have smelled it and then i would have to do some explaining. But you know i am a clever girl. I turned on the stove put some milk into the pot and then just left it there. So now my house was full of burnt milk smell. I knew that my mom would say a few words about me not beeing carefull when i cook something but that is a hell of a lot better than her finding out that her lovely daughter just spen half an our on her kneew and her head sticked in the toilet.

I have no ide what i am going to do tomorrow. i may fast if i feel that i am up to it or maybe i will go buy ise-cream eat it and purge. Okey i am not going to purge any more well at least not soon.

hope you all loveles are doing better. I GOT BORED SO I DID ANOTHER COLLAGE.

I got bored so i did this little collage. I am unhappy they i dont have a printer so i could print it out.


I am doing okey at the moment. In food department no solid food has passed my lips from 7.00pm last night and no food solid food will not pass my lips as long as i can keep this up. But i am aiming for a 65 hour fast witch means i get to eat breakfast on Saturday morning at 10 am. Just have to watch out that i will not end my fast with binge eating.
My mom will be home like an hour or so and well i have to throw some food away or she will notice that i havent eaten. There is just two of us so it is really simple to notice that i havent eaten when i dont throw anything away. i actually dont want to do that but i have no other choice. Some bread and beanut butter will be sacrificed. that means i cant binge on them in the evening so thats 2 good points.
I havent done anything much today. i finished reading 2 blogs from start to finish.
Poker face and Guest for perfection (sry my computer went nuts and i cant Link) . I should do something besides siting in from of my computer but i am just to lazy ass to do anything else.

I will be going to the library when my mom gets home. I am a bit avoiding her at the moment even though i have no good reason for it. Just that she will ask Questions about my life and for some reason even the most smallest things irritate the hell out of me. I mean i hate when she comes home, looks at me and then decides in her little head that i dont look happy enough so she goes like : "what is the matter? be happier bla-blah. God could you just leave me alone for once. Cant you understand that i dont feel comfortable about speaking to you about my feelings and things what are going on in my life. I knows she really loves me and cares and wants to be my best friend and the person who i can just speak freely about everything but it is just not happening. okey. So leave it alone. I will never tell you that i have issues with eating, my body and well everything in my life. I dont want you to know or i dont want my friends to know because they will not understand me and they will judge me and they will start thinking differently about me and i dont want that. To them i will be this confident girl who can achieve everything she wants.

Intake: 800 (chicken, apples, banana, slice of bread)
I know it is Quite high but well at least i am not binging. I mean my food plan is so messed up i usually skip breakfast(i know most important meal of the day blah-blah) so lunch will be like 200 cal and then dinner is like i go nuts. But well i mean even if i would eat breakfast and a normal lunch i would still eat the same size dinner as i do on days i skip breakfast. so i may as well fast on till dinner so my cals will be lower for the day. and in my mind that is all what counts. i know that it is more likely that i gain weight when i eat dinner than i eat breakfast because i cant burn the cals before bed but well i am just stronger in the morning than in the evening. So i will stick to what works for me.

On another note i am from now on trying to structure my writings more like i will have actually paragraphs and punctuation marks and a big letter at the start of a sentence. Because before i was so like what ever, i will just write and dont care about that crap but it is so much better to read when everything is in order. I know before i used a lot of this: .... . it usually means an unfinished sentence or thought. And that actually happens a lot to me i have many times trouble to like say out loud the thought or idea i am thinking of. it is like i have everything planned in my mind but i find it sometimes hard to explain others what is in my mind, if you know what i mean. okey, i am now more structured.

I think i mentioned in some of my older post that i am doing my licences. I my country we have to go to a driving school and take some theory and practical ( drive a car around the city) lessons. When the learning part is finished we have to take schools theory and driving tests. And i did my theory test today and i passed. but it was like so close to failing. and i have my driving test on Monday (scary) and after that is done we have to go and do another theory and driving test in the ...(dont know how to say it) Car Register Center. when that is done i get my license and that will be a day i will party like hell. Anyways i have to learn so much for my theory test in CRC because i kind of cheated today. I know i am bad but hell i needed to pass because my driving test was all ready scheduled on Monday. and anyways i need to do a norther theory test and there i cant cheat but i will have at least a month to learn so i will be fine.
Actually i had the chance to to the tests earlier but the thing was that a few weeks ago i was so depressed because of my eating that i even didnt go out of my room so. I dont want to go back to that dark hole again NEVER EVER. That was Just so BAd. i dont even want to think about that.

SO i have Thursday and Friday when my mom is working most of the day and i am home alone. ( my mom had vacation last 3 days and i almost went nuts) Anyway i usually tend to binge when i am home alone and nothing to occupy my time but well this time that will not happen actually i am trying to liquid fast for two days. Well see how i do. i will not beat myself up if i eat little but dont binge. I have actually completed a fast once and it was just one day but you have to start form somewhere. Right.
Plan:
Liquids: water, orange juice diluted with water, coffee+sugar replacement+milk, tea+milk+sugar replacement.
Things to keep me occupied:

• Read the book i bought tonight "The Magic of Metaphor"by Nick Owen
  
• Repair my tv (the satellite is disconnected)
• Go to the library
  
• Find new thinspo pics and do a collage
  
• Make a workout plan for school time
  
• Move my moms couch to the right place
• DO some fucking exercise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Read books when i want to eat.
• Write 3 pages to my Diary
• Pluck my eyebrows
• Pedicure/manicure
• 
  

My exercising has been so down. My bike is in the cellar because of the renovation and i cant get it out of there for at least a week and i hate running but i better start doing some exercising. I know that if i eat little i will loose but if i will exercise i will loose so much faster and also i want to be toned skinny not flabby skinny so jeah. Better start that exercising plan.
So what are you favourite exercise for abs, but and well everywhere else? I need your help please.!.

OMG so my friend is sending me pictures from our last party and it was just after my binge episode at the beginning of August and i look like a HUGE; FAT; FLABBY GOW. it is so bad i just dont want to look at them. My arms and tights are HUGE i mean they are like Fat all over the place. How didnt i see that when i was eating. BAd me. So now i looked up some pictures from last year when my bmi: 18 and hell i looked so good. Why the fucking hell did i let myself get this point that i cant make a difference between myself and a fat pig. At least there pics what i ot from hear where a big thinspo. i am so sad right now. And this gives me more determination to shed this weight. I WILL DO MY FAST TOMORROW AND THE NEXT DAY AND I WILL ACCOMPLISH WHAT I NEED AND WANT.

I will reply to your comments now (and try to link also):

Heather:Well i was saying i will not beat myself up but in realty we all know that that little worse in you head still goes: what the hell did you eat so much. That voice just stays there weather you want to hear it or not.

Rihianna: Thank you so much. you really made me a bit happier after reading your comment. nice to have you as a buddy.

Lady Destroyed: Jeah you should get that. also i did some research and well you should do at least 45 min everyday for it to work the best. that should not be hard because you can like watch tv at the same time. Like on Mondays i hula-hoop and watch Americas next top model so that an hour of hooping right there.

Ana's Girl:Well it was a half binge i suppose. because i usually just loose it in the evenings. but this time i could stop myself before reaching like 3000 cals.
M is a sweet hart and i love to talk to him and i think i can really trust him anything accept my eating disorders. because i just dont want him to think that i am some nuts girl who cant be happy with myself. In every situation i try to seem confident even if i am not. And i just wanted to say that all your comments are so supportive. Thanks for being there.

CA:Thanks so much for your help. i try to investigate some more and then i will post a table or something here.

Okey this time i even did some links. i am so proud hehe. Now i will go and check out all your blogs. Which should be easy. Because a minute ago i went to the kitchen thirsty as hell and the first thing i found was a big cup of cold coffee left over from my "breakfast" so before thinking i just poured it down and now well i dont really think i will be going to bed very soon.

Intake: 400 apples
--------150 fish stick
--------200 bread
Total: 750

Outtake: hula-hooping 2 hours -????
being alive 1 day -1300 cal

My basic metabolism rate is 1300 cals. that is what i burn just staying alive.

USA-----UK---European------Bust size------Waist size------Hip size
--0 ------4-------30-------31.5 in/80 cm-----23"/60cm------34"/86 cm --2 ------6-------32-------34.5"-35"/87cm----------26.5"-27"-------36.5"-37".

Well after my research i realize that the numbers are so varied... i wanted to know how little i have to be but well ever page i was on gave different numbers... frustrating. so if someone could help me a little in that department that would be great...

Intake: about 1600 cal
But it is fine i am not going to beat myself up. it is less than a regular person would eat. it is fine i will do better tomorrow. i am not harsh on myself becasue last time it led to a binge. and also i did some exercise so...
i went to town and i walked everywhere no public transportation. well i think i walked at least 9miles today so that is great
WAlking: -500cal
hula-hooping
I also did 2 hours of that but not in water, i was in my living room and at the same time i was watching Biggest looser. But really i have no idea how much it bunt cals. ANdd soy for the gross pic but it i a good reverse thinspo...
So if someone could tell me how much it burnt cals that would be great...
SO i have to mention that it is a really good workout for your waste and especially for my gross muffin tops.

Cant hurt a fly.- Well that expression you cant use when you are describing me because i just killed of at least dozen of those little bastards. I mean i got to bed about 1am and dozed to sleep about 2am and then i woke up a few times because my troth was so dry and i had drink some water... but then i just could not fall a sleep again because the flies where all over my face and they would just not go away so i had to wave my hand constantly to scare them off so no sleeping.. annoying as hell. so i did a little fly manicure a few minutes ago. i had to be careful though because if my mom saw a dead fly corpse on her new wall-paper she would do her own manicure if you know what i mean...

I lost my earring today or yesterday... dam i loved those earring they looked good on me... and today in the morning when i realized it was gone i fist thought that i lost it at my trip to city but i looked around a bit and find the really tiny thing what keep the earring in your ear so i had to loose it at home, but i cant find it. the back of the earring is like so tiny and i found it almost instantly but i cant find a 2cm purple earring ... may i say i was annoyed.
it i just like when i was in town i was so easy to find out all the bus schedules and take a long drive where i had to switch between 3 buses to get from one mall to another in a town i dont know but it took me fucking half an our to find the toilet in the mall even though i had the map of the place... like WTF
i am babbling all over the place sry...

Intake: 600cal what included tomatoes and apples (hint the heading)
--------100cal-bread
-------100cal soup
Total: 800

So my computer just finished downloading Biggest looser season 7. going to just this for reverse and also positive thinspo. also this will occupy some time when i will not be eating.

I had a nice chat with...well lets call him M... i had not heard from him about a month and i can admit it that i really missed talking to him... i met him a year ago and hi lives far away but we meet time to time and also text and have long talks in msn. I just feel that he is a good friend and i trust him more that my friend who i have known for years. and i just love to talk to him. it is so easy... he is a good friend and i think he likes me maybe even wants me as a girlfriend and i really dont know... he is sweet and i can feel that he cares about me so much... and god he is just i dont know so good to me and makes me cheer up and makes me feel like i am pretty and loved... but i dont know if i have those feeling for him or not... i have to sort out my feelings.. and there is also T who i havent seen about 2months and well i still obsess about him... T is more of a abad boy but M is sort of good boy...
M is so observant. i spent tow days with him and he totally noticed my eating was so wrong...
He said:" you know you worry too much about what you eat"
i was just speechless... he piked up that so easily ... just with a day spent together... and my friend didnt take the issue up even when my bmi was like 18 or so.
but he just said one sentence and didnt torched the subject more although we spoke all night.

Comments:

Ana's Girl : thank you so much your comments just lift my mood.
jeah being called normal is just so bad for me...i hate to be average or in the middle i want to be the best in everything i do and i want to be the hottest girl...
mediocrity is my worst enemy!!!!

Vee: really hope you find my blog interesting even if it just consist of my obsessions and bitching.
jeah i hate and love shopping... i like to get new nice thing what look fab on me but i hate to try on like thousand shirts in what you look like big fat cow before you find the one what works wonders on you.
Hope you will have a great and loosing ;) week too.

And i am thinking of posting a picture of myself sometime maybe 1 of September. so i will keep it up for a few days so you can match the face and the blog but then i will delete it because i am way to paranoid to keep it up.

Edit: 23.39pm
so i just got out of shower. god i stayed there for so long and enjoyed it, but after that i had to do a hair mask for my really damaged ends, and when i got back at the bathroom to rinse the mask out the water was so freesing...that sgows you not to take so long showers.

so i am riding with the bus and i am sitting so that i am fasin the direction we came from(if you can understand what i mean) anyway i see this really hot guy driving his car just next to the bus and the guy there is looking well more like staring me... wow.. so the bus start to brake because there is the red traffic light so now the car starts to pass the bus so and well the driver is still looking at me and not ´paying attention on the road ahead so he almost cruched the car infrom of himm.... Well call me again a treath to mankind...
but that siuation was just so funny and also so flattering(if you know what i mean)...

But i did lots more.
so i got my hair dyed and cut. and you know trip to the hairdresser always cheers me up. it is nice to have a new hairdo, such a boost of confidence.
sad part is that she said that my hair are so damaged from the constant home coloring thing... i am naturally brunette but i dye my hair platinum blond because i like it that way better... and well i might say that i cot more attention from guyes when i am blond.... well i bought this mask that should help a bit.. we will see.
Skin doctor recommended me the BABE series for my skin. i really hope it works... i better work after all that shit cost me a fortune(well my mother because she was buying) but if i doesent i will get some pills.
so i got to do some shopping. boy i love to shop. but i have a hard time to find something that fits me and i actually like. usually i think that most clothes make me fat.. you know that feeling when you are looking yourself from the huge mirror and your HUGE muffin tops just jump at you... anyway it was hard to find something because the clothes where in dark and dull colors like gray, brown, black.. but i wanted something colorful what would pop out from the crowd...
So i got this really bright yellow sweatshirt, it looked so good...i mean and it was size XS ... and it will look even better when i lose all the weight...
Also i got this dark lilac t-shirt with a cool print on it... it is a size XS but it was so so tight... but i know it will look fucking superb when i am at my ideal weight... actually i got to an argument with my mom about the size of the shirt... she wanted me to buy S because SX was so tight... but i said no because when i am skinnier S would be too big and lose. mom wasnt happy but i got my way. this hot shirt will give me a good motivation...
ripe rasberry pink knitted top
black bolero
some make-up too... Gosh powder and eyeliner are so good. recommend so much.. at least i like them..

But now the most important thing Eating... tow days and i all most avoided eating even with my mom and her friend...

Yesterday: Flavored water 2l (140cal)
small cappuccino (50)
Cesar salad ( splinted with my mom about 150cal )
Total: 340

Today: apple 100
banana 100
toffee50
Flavored water 70 (i am so addicted to this white currant flavored water that it is reticules)
sandwich 100
Total:420

I did not see my mom and her friend much... today and yesterday i spent mostly alone shopping. and when i saw mom i said i had already eaten... I always said where and what i ate so the lie would be more believable... so at dinner time i said i was full from the big dish i had eaten earlier and in the morning i just said that i am usually not hunger in the morning time and i will eat later in town... but the practically forced me the sandwich... so i think after so much bad eating i am finally back on track...

Moms friend looks at me and says:" You are almost normal now... before you where too thin, stick thin but now you are normal"
WTF i just wanted to scoot myself at that point... sure lets notice everybody that i have put on some fucking weight... frustrating.... they say i am normal but i see and know that i am now a fat cow.... but i will be nice and slender again...

well the short plan for today is to eat nothing until dinner which i cant skip because i am dining with my mom and her friend but well i try to stay under 700cals (what id my new dayly limit)
also i will do a lot of walking tomorrow because of the shopping so that will be great.
i actually should go to bed because i have to wake up 5.30am in the morning to catch the bus to the city. i will be there for two days. i can probably update about how it went tomorrow late evening.
2 days of shoppinf a heaven for me... now i just have to get skinny and pretty again.

i will no replay to some of your posts:
Dot: thanks for your motivational post. i think you are always so positive. and you really cheer me up

journey to perfection: thanks for your positive post. you are right after every failure there come ańother day and then we can pick the pieces up and start working again
Ana's Girl: Thanks. i hope i can to it this time... i just have to. i think i actually have some eyeliner somewhere but i just have to start using it more often.
Lady Destroyed: I will definitely look up that brand The Coty you suggested. Thank you much.

lottietogo: wow thanks for the long and very helpful comment. roaccutane-i will haras my doctor with that, usually she gives me things what doesent work.also i have a new blog to follow now.

i didnt think that i would get so lonf and helping comment. thank you all so much.

i am swimming in a ocean trying to get to my destination... but the huge waves just come crushing down on me trying to drown me, keep me away from my goals... but i wount give up without a fight i will do anything and fight with all my hart ... although sometimes i get disorientated but with a little help i will get back on my track... and other times the waves are so strong that they bull me back to that dark place but i will be stronger next time and will not let the waves play with me and cruch me... and if needed i will start over again and i know that one day i will succeed ...
and i will be on that marvelous beach with smooth sand and blue waters with a kick as perfect body (that every girl wants to kill and every man wants to date)
and probably i will have a really hot guy there with me (or many hot guys depending on my mood)
;)

A new start and this time it will be do or die.

I cant be happy until i am at my ideal weight and i just have to pull myself together and start working towards it and do some serious restricting.
i am going to a shopping spree with my mom and her friend tomorrow. we a driving to the capital town so there will be a lot of shops. also i have a hair dresser appointment and a skin doctor appointment (i have some light acne but well i want to get rid of it finally)
so shopping will be great although i am a huge cow, i like to shop. and well i will buy all my clothes in size XS(smallest number usually in my country) even if they dont fit me now they will when i have lost all my weight. i know they will. and this will also be a good motivation. if i dont lose fat i have nothing to ware.

and i just realized that i have 40 followers. WOW like really i had no idea that so many people actually read what i write...
well at this point my life is so boring because i havent been very social but hope that also changes. so i can write something juicy here :D ok i am losing my mind...

I should really buy some make-up. i dont have much of it... but i really need it... but i dont know what to buy...
my skinn has very light acne so i have to hide that and also i get really greasy and shiny very fast... so i have to buy probably a powder what will mat my skin.
also new eyeshadow is an essential... and some lip gloss
but the thing is i really dont know what suits me and what doesn't...
so i did some research and for gray eyes- brown, charcoal, purple and all shade of brown
so i will try to find something like that...
So powder..... i have no idea, it should mat my skin out but what compani or what kind of powder i should buy..i just have no idea...
well i am totally lost when it come to make-up...
also i need vitamins and i need to buy all the thing my skin doctor says i need...
i hope mom will give me some money for the last things but i am not really sure that she will give me money for make.up because she is pretty broke because of the renovation of our apartment and also my skin doctor and hairdresser cost a lot... so we will see...

So i woke up this morning and started of with fried potatoes before i could stop myself. jeah that's a good start for my diet.(sarcastic)
but well if i dont eat anything and i mean anything else tonight i might be just in my calorie intake 700cal.
so i also weight myself... it was after i had eaten so the number was big but i knew it will be after the eating session i had last week.

my mom is making me crazy. why she just cant understand that i dont want to talk to her????
and also she tried to hug me and then suddenly said: "well you have put on some weight"
and the way she said it was like she was happy that i am a fat cow... i know she got all worry when i was 49kg last year but hell i am 65 now and well it is just disgusting.... i want to lose this fucking fat...

i am so antisocial lately... and the reason for that is that i am so fat and dont want anyone else see me like this... but the more antisocial i am the more i eat... hate it hate it....
and it seams that all my good girl friends have found a boyfriend or pared up and well i dont have no-one... i just dont know
am i that ungly and fat than no-one just dont want me???+ probably

-like you can see i am in a depression and i have been in it for a long time....
and now well it is the time i get over it and start living again....
and most important LOSING SOME WEIGHT....

at the moment i am stuffed with food....
mom is pissed at me because i dont want to talk to her
i am pissed and fustrated about myself because i am such a fat cow
i am miserable because i am bored
i am depressed because i suck in the guy department
i am so fucking antisocial that i feel like a hermit
and well i am FAT, FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

so i didn't have any Internet access last week so i could not write what is probably a good thing because i would have been only miserable and depressing posts. i think i have never been so numb in my entire life... i dont care how i look or what i do. i just exist.
i have put on a lot of weight these last days, i am avoiding the SCALE because i dont want to see the number on it.
every day i wake up and think : ok today i will be good and then the hours go and go and in some point i take a bite and then another and then i am on full binge mode

i am not happy, i dont enjoy life like i did, i am tyred, depressed and so sad all the time....
i have a good life...i man it is not perfect but well i have a good home and great friends and i am smart but somehow i just cant enjoy it. i feel that something is missing....

i have to do my driving exam but i just keep avoiding it and postpone all the appointments. i just dont care- NUMB....

NUMB numb NUMB numb

i should just stop writing because all i do is depress you too...

BTW THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS TO MY LAST POST. THEY WHERE LOVELY AND MAYBE I CAN NOW PICK UP THE PIECES AND CLUE THEM BACK TOGETHER

school starts in 13 days and i am a fat cow... i dont want to go to school looking like a fat cow.... but well i think i have no other choice.

Fine the number on the scale was not as low as i was hoping for but well at least it is lower than it was on Monday(61kg) so i have lost 4.4pounds with four days so that is not too bad... probably most of it is water weight but well hope the fat will start to come off soon too...
Yesterday was pretty bad considering i ate about 1500cals... i blame it on the coco and now i really want some chocolate ice-cream i even went to the stored and looked up the cals 150cals for 100g and well there are 500g in the box so i would go 150cals over my day limit if i ate it all and well considering i dont have a fridge at the moment i would have to eat it or throw it away so i think i will just not buy it so i will not waste my money... i really hate to buy food from my own money... also mom will get home soon and she did grocery shopping so when i get home i will probably eat some stuff she bought...(i am talking myself out of buying that ice-cream)
i also went cycling yesterday for -600cals...

I am 18 actually in my final year of high school.i cant wait to finish it i am so tyred of all of it... i mean i like to learn new stuff and i have good marks (average 4.75 and the best you can get is 5 so jeah) but so many things we learn there we dont really need in real life and well i am just tyred after 11 years of it so jeah...
well i have no idea what i want to learn in a university... i want a job what is interesting and well i am not that type of person who can sit behind a desk all day and to the same thing over and over again...
i am thinking of journalism but i dont know if i am that good of a writer...
besides i am pretty much decides that i will skip a year after finishing H-school and before going to university...
i will probably go abroad working as a voluntary worker... it is for a year and the will pay your housing and living expenses and also i will gett a small pocket money... so that would be so interesting... i am thinking of England, Spain or Belgium.. i dont know jett what do you think????

So the man who suposed to do the apartment repair hasnet shown up all this week and well i am getting so fustrated because i will not get my compuuter back before he has finised... shit..and my mom dosent even call the man to ask when he will come... sometimes my mom is just so....if he wont show up tomorro i will start painting the toilet myself... bad thing that i dont know how to put down parquet or i would do that so i could finist up the room and get my computer back...

To Dot: i will definitely try that hair mask you talked about... actually i got a book about Beauty tips and there was some good stuff written
i will put some tips here as well when i have the timeand the computer...

To sorry-cant-be-perfect: i am actually same height as you :D that is so cool.

To xthinforever: thakns for the recommendation i will go check out it when i go to the pharmacy and also thanks for the support...

Well today so far i have had a nice bread with tomato and a small piece of bread. then i had to ruin it with some hot coco at my moms office... i had a whole mug of it and well that was really sugar orgasm for my system although i pushed the no sugar button on the machine several time aparently it didnt work because well the coco was SWEET and well then i had to top it of with 2 chocolate candies(the where small though)

it is just that if i dont eat sweet stuff i really dont want any but once i start i just cant stop. well i think i have consumed about 300clas today with the coco well that leaves me about 300 for dinner... usually i dont count liquids but the coco was just so sweet and full of cals that i had to count that.

so i have been doing quite well i the exercising department.  Monday -1000,Tuesday-500,Wednesday-450 only thing is that my legs a getting sore from all this cycling i might skip today but maybe i will push myself a bit more and do a nice hour and a half of peddling. i should also start doing some ab workouts because well that is the main problem area... its like my legs a stick thin but i still have fat on my stomach... i am just so perfectionist but lazy in department of doing abs...also i need to do some butt workout to done it so i would look better and perkier after i lost the weight, because as my scale number shrinks my butt also follows and i dont like it very much...

any good butt and abs workout routines you know of?

I just bought some fish oil suplement because the healthy eating book said we need omega-3 what we get mostly from fish but i rarely eat fish so i bought some tablets... also i am taking vitamin tablets... i really like this book i was reading the other day because it talk about what minerals, vitamins, and other nutrions we get from different foods... it is a good read especialy when i want to start eating healthily and maintaining my weight when i have reached my goal... because i cant starve myself for ever i am not that good and i think that balanced eating and exercising is the best way to maintaing a hot body and good health... the book also talked about how to lose the weight in a healthy way but really 2.5kg a month is way to slow progress for me that means that i would reach my goal weight in January but hell i want to bee skinny and hot now. not in January. Also there was a topic about ana and well when i read all the signs that show you have it... well i like have 90% of them... well i am not underweight and well i dont afraid food i just afraid that too much food will make me fat...

do you recommend any other suplemets what are good for your skin, nails and hair?

"Since 14 is not fat either"by Meg Gabot is a murder mystery and romance book. it is well written, has a thrilling  storyline  and good jokes. i really recommend you to read it :D the only thing about the book that anoys me is that the women Heather is a size 12 and well she thinks she is fat but still eats bread with cream cheese and bacon for breakfast and drinks coffee with whipped cream...who the hell does that????... am i going nuts because now even book carricters eating habits anoy me..?.. but still it is a GOOD book.

I have realized that i have small crush on one of my class mates. like we have been in that same class for 9 years and i have had no interest in him but now this happens... like really...what the hell i am thinking of...wait a minute... i am not thinking that is the howl point... he would never-ever date me.... at least i think he would not... 

have i mentioned a am a virgin... and well at the moment it is pothering me so much... i had a chance to get rid of it with a boy i really like but i didnt because well our relationship was so messy at that time and well i just felt that it wasnt the right time... now i regret it so much... really i am like the weirdest person ever...  when i cant i want to sleep with someone and experience real sex but when i have to canche i am like no i cant to this... like WTF...??... FINE I ADMIT IT: I AM A SEXUALLY FUSTRATED PERSON.... 

and in my life there is really lack of sexable guyes. 

well i guess i could get i guy but i really need more self-confident because i really lack it....

i am rambling all over the place but it is so much nicer to write to actually people rather than to my diary.  and also i feel that i am like asking way to much...

i will get to go and a shopping spree on 21 of August. i cant wait... also i am getting a hair cut but i am not sure what stile i will be getting... but still ... i also need some advise from the hairdresser... because i dye my hair blond al the time they are really dry... dose anyone know any good products that help to keep my hair soft, shiny and undamaged...?????....

i flushed some fried potatoes yesterday because i had to put on a look that i ate something more than a few slices of bread yesterday... usually i dont want to throw away food..i think it is a waste of money but hell i dont need my mother go all insane because she realizes i am eating so little....

Milk mouse:

4-4.5 dl green/black tea

1-0.5  dl milk

2tablets of sugar replacement

-that is the thing i get high these days.. i usually drink that stuff at least  1l a day... i mean i really should stop consuming so much sugar replacement(you know it contains bad things ) but i just cant drink the without sweetener and well sugar is not an option for me.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS AND ENGOURAGMENT, i will now go and try to catch up on some of your bloggs...

and so sorry for all the spelling mistakes... i might do. it is due to my fast typing and well English is not my mother tongue so jeah...sry and hope you understand everything i write

see jah

PS! this boy sitting next to me in the libary is checking me out... too bad he is not my type... maybe i have to high expetations but... or maybe he is just watching what i am reading... well i am paranoid... if someone i knew would find this blogg i would have to kill the person i move to another continent

ps! i am going to see if i can find some book about healthy eating or low cal food book from the libary

Well things are going great at the moment... i posted yesterday that i will have to go to a birthday party later that evening but when my mom got home she said that it was canceled so no eating fatty stuff... jeiii.... and what is even better i didnt eat anything during the day because i fast saving calories for the party but when i realized that there was no party i just didnd eat anything in the evening also... so i fasted the entire day... and boy for me fasting a whole day is like a miracle because believe it or not i have never lasted a whole day without eating( well maybe when i was ill or something drastic like that) usually when i think i will fast i end up binge eating like a little big in the evening time... actually it is quite easy to not to eat... if you have thing to do what keep you busy. so i havent eaten any solid food for 38 hours now because i skipped breakfast earlier today but i probably will eat a small dinner because of my mother...  and i am feeling a bit light-headed also, if it gets to much i will nibble some bread i have in my bag....

i also did some cycling yesterday for 2.5hours hat burned about 1000 cals -i hope this all will bee seen on my scale  tomorrow...

well in other news i broke one of my rules that i will not buy any clothes un till i am at my goal weight... well i bought a nice knitted dress what i can use also as a top with my jeans in the winter time when it is really could... it looked really nice on me and i find rarely clothes what really fit me and i like... usually i feel that the clothing is making me fast so i will not buy it... and the dress is also great because my boobs look bigger in the... i always have had the boob issue ... i think they are so small.. i wear a 75A brat or in other numbers 32or34(not sure) A brow... so i think my boobs are small... butt well i figure that i rather have small boobs and be slim rather than being with big boobs and fatty....

What do you think about the subject of boobs..??... Small? meadium? big?

What boobs boys like?

i have to go soon me and mom are going to some furniture shopping...cant wait...

When i was shopping earlier a past a coffee shop and there was sitting this big women i have no idea what size she was but she had biig boobs and hips and well she was fat.. and then i saw what she was eating a big chocolate muffin....and i thought to myself... is she happy with herself and dosent she want to be thin...?

Eat A Muffin get a Muffintop....!!!!!.......

-a catchy frase i thought last night when i could not sleep... i have such a insomnia... i layed on my bed for 1.5hours before i finnaly got some sleep and then i woke up at 6am WTF...

does anyone else have these problems...

ouh..mom called i have to go... unfortunately i did not have time to read your bloggs :( but i will catch up with you all when i have my computer back

To:Header

Luckily in our libary the time is limitless. if no-one is waiting to use the computer you can stay there as long as you want..but still the computer there is like seriously slow compared to the one i have at home.

HI to everyone...
i am back i dont know if anyone missed me but i am back from my horror vacation with my grandparents... it was terrible...
I had no internet and no friends and huhh.. and also the argue and fight with eachother evey single day so it is just so horrible to be there... all the jelling and screaming...
i am back at my start weight... i am a miserable failure but my grandparents just depressed me so much that i just ate and ate and ate... i really cant live with them...
but now i am back home and i cant start all over again... agtually i have been on this diet for three days now and well hope this works... the game plan is tahe same> no more than 600cals intake and lots of exersicing... agtually i am guite hungry at the moment but i cant eat anything beacuse i might have to go to my moms friends birthdayparty and that mean a lot of delishos but fattening food so... jeah...
My goal is to be at my ideal weigt (51kg) on 1 of SEpt when school starts... i know it is a lot to lose with just a month but i know i can do it if i work really hard and if i can stop myself fropm binge eating...
i am doing a master clense for 7 days(maybe mor if i can) some time this month. Probably will start this or the next week....
We have a big renovation at home so i dont have Internet or TV there so it is really hard to distract myself from eating... but i will manage i have to.... i am at a public libary at the moment and the time here is limeted but i will try my best to keep you updated and also try to read and comment your blogs..... i really love all the comments you give me...

stary strong huns

PS. i just realized that i cant comment your post from this computer...dham libary old computer...
But i will write a few words here and hope the right people will read them...

TO> marca

After evey failure the will come success so just keep trying and one day you will be there where you want to be....

I will leave for a few days...
going to my grandparents place...
there is no net...
maybe there i can get myself back on track...
i am back at my start weight...
these last days have been so horrible...
but i will get myself back on track and start oven and this time i will make things happen...

i took a new paper diary because i needed something new like a new start or something like that...

i am sorry i failed you and myself
need to get happy and moving again...-

i am afraid that some i konw has find this blog because i used my old e-mail address when i did this blog...
i hope i am wrong but if i am not i have to destroy this blog and start a new blog...
that would be bad ... :(

"To do list"

• Find great thinspo pictures
• Make a great Thinspiration video
• Write at least 4 pages to my "Paper diary"
• Find new good songs and download them to my mp3 player(at least 100new songs)
  
• Exercise: cycling 2 hours, running 45 min,
  
• Make a muscular workout routine and post it here
• MAke a good couples thinspo video
• Clean up my closet
• Learn for my driving theory test
• Write 101 reasons why it is good to be thin
• Clean up my computer from junk
• 
  

midnight
So it is past midnight and my fats begins...not sure how long it will last but at least 24 hours
so i am doing a "to Do list" so i will have something to do rather than eat.
and i might worn you that todays post is going to be a long one beacuse i need to keep myself occupied...

"To Do List"

• Find great thinspo pictures
• Make a great Thinspiration video
• Write at least 4 pages to my "Paper diary"
• Find new good songs and download them to my mp3 player
• Exercise: cycling 2 hours, running 45 min,
  
• Make a muscular workout routine and post it here

11 am
So hopped on the scale this morning and it showed 58.5kg so i have put on 2 hole kilograms with my binge eating yesterday and with my not so good eating the day before...
i needed to see that number so i could realize that i dont want that number and i am not going to binge anymore...
and my stomach is crowling and very noisy but sry no food for you today

5pm
BINGE
dont want to talk about it...

NEW PLAN
i can consume as many calories as daly basic as i burn of exercising...

diid and hour of cycling... that is just so little compared to the amount of food i consumed... and i was doing so good...

Ate probably like 3000cls,
i reached home after a nightmare driving lesson just to find out that my internet was out so i was home alone and nothing to do but to eat... so i ate...also my period is fucking me up...
but after i had eaten i just needed to do something so i went cycling for 2 hours that burned like 800clas i know that is so littel for the massive amount of food i ate but at least i didnt just sit on my bed and mope, i did something

but i just feel such a failure...i failed myself and you all and well i just dont...
i know that food will not fill the emtyness in my soul but i still try to stuff it with food...

i am thinking of fasting ... i havent never fasted... i have tried but it usually ended with a total binge...
but if i have net tomorrow i hope i can do it...anyone want to join me feel free to... maybe i will do even a two day fast if i can...
and also i am going to weigh myself... i have to see that BIG number so i can kick my but and start over again...

And i love all your comments... i just fish i had my net when i got home that i would not have binged probably after reading all you lovely comments... i feel i failed you and mayself...

We will see what the scale says tomorrow...

sry for being allover the place with my text i am just so off and unhappy about my food intake... i cant even purge i have tryed it a few times but i cant get much up and for the little i get up i have to work for a lot... and also i dont like to purge... so i dont... so i consume evey calorie i eat... fuck

so i need to keep myself busy tomorrow when i am fasting... what the hell i am going to do that 17hours when i am awake...??+...

IN: have no idea but i will say 3000

Out: cycling -800 2hours

9.51am
i dont know who i should thank for this but... i am happy that i dropped a few grams...
Good thing i did that cycling yesterday probably that was what saved me... today i am going to be good very good indeed...
6 pm
Mum just got home and boy did she do some grocery shopping... shit. i am in hell, at least she bought the lemon i asked.. i need it for my water because i dont like plain water so much also lemon will speed up your metabolism...
she also bouht some strawberris...that will be mu dinner for tonight
7.47pm
i just finished my strawberries, i eat too much of them but they where so good and also fruit and they contain so few cals and i am proud that i didnt eat that cheese my mom bought (i cant resist tha cheese normaly, i eat it plain because it is so good but so high on cals, but i didnt eat it)
i am also on my period so i dont know if that has anything to do with my apetite..??...


In: bread(200), chicken(200), 2carrots(50), white bread(100), STRAWBERRIES(have no idea but more that i should have had, but they where so good)

109.19am
Dancing around the room like a crazy person...
Where the hell this came from..?..
but i am happy, like sooo Happy, i never thought i could lose this so fast, i will soon reach my first goal weight and get my reward...
i actually promised myself that i wont buy any new clothes before i reach my UGW so that is a big motivator to me,
but i know i will start losing slower when i get my weight lower... and
i was so good yesterday... i went to a birthday party and didnt eat the greasy sausages the where grilling... and there wasnt actually much else to eat either...so that was god...less temptations...didnt drink because i didnt feel like it... i usually prefer to dring in the right company and i usually dont get wasted(but it happens too sometimes) i actually dont drin very often...only on social events and sometimes home alone when i feel i need a few sips of alcohol.

and thanks for all your lovely comments... i is so nice to know that there are other people like me and i am not alone in this.. sometimes it feels that i am the only weird and unhappy one and eveyone else are doing great and are with perfect lives..but that is not the case, everyone has problems and worries they just dont always show them to other close people...
about my mum, we get along well and i love her and i konw that she loves and cares about me so much but that is the point... she cares and wants me to be happy and stuff so she puts her nose into my stuff and life and there all the problems start...i want to be independent and she cant let go of me...

You also need some stile...
So i was walking along a busy street yesterday and started to really watch people, how they look, what they are wearing and ec. so i really noticed that fat people look bad in most clothing and skinny look much better...even in clothing what went wery nice...
but still some outfits made me wonder if the person had looked herself from the mirror before she got out..?... some clothing they where waring where just so ugly...
and i got some really good thinspo walking on that street because i dont want to be the FAT GIRL... i want to be the sexy skinny girl who everyone are staring for thinspo... :D

1pm
i am so craving for something, i want to binge, eat, aet, eat, eat, but i am not going to... have to stay strong..
i am going to let myself have a 1000cal day..i know its bad but i will still exercise -600 on a bike and maybe even more if i can...
and 1000cals is better than a full on binge...
2.30pm
Kinda hate myself at the moment for eating so much...why am i so weak..i wasnt even hungry i just wanted some food in my mouth... fucking fat idiot...
6.24 pm
i am a fail ate shit loads of stuff... fill horrible going for a very long bike ride...

In: apple(100), fried potatoes(150), chicken(200), apple(100), chicken(100), milk(150), white bread+jam(200),bread(100)..more stuff
Total: about 1900

Out: cycling 105min -700 cal
muscle workout

8.26pm
so usually when i binge or overeat i just lay around the room and dont do anything because i feel like shit... well i did feel like shit after eating way too much...but this time i kicked my but and went for a bike ride... i was aiming 2-2.5 hors but i did 1h and 45min so thats 105 min what burned about 700cals witch leaves me 1200 more but my Basic metabolism (the cals i burn just staying alive with not activity) is about 1300 so i really hope i didnd at least cane any weight...
i am also doing an muscle workout but i will rest a bit so i can to a full on workot not only few exercises because i am to tired to do more.

sry about the constant editing but i need something to do...

10 am
It in not that bad... at least it starts with a five. and well it has been only one day since my last binge attack so it is fine. not going to be upset.
now i need to stay on track..
i have first aid course today so i have to go to a bigger town than mine. i will probably not eat during the day and then before i get there i will eat my packed dinner what i will take from home...
I have two reason why i will take it from home... 1) some food will be missing from the fridge so mum will be happy that i ate..2) i cant usually find anything filling and low cal and things i can eat outside from stores i visit...
I have big problems with throwing away food. me and my mum live together just two of us... i am usually home a lone during the day when she is at work... so avoiding food i easy but she will notice if i havent eaten anything from the fridge... so i should throw some of the food away but i seems so much of a waste of money....
BTW me and my mum live in a one room apartment That means: kitchen, hall-way, toilet, bathroom and ONE ROOM where we both sleep and just be during the days... so you might imagine the conflicts we might have... my mum is really sweet and wants to help me and stuff it is just me who dosent want her poking around my life... so i get upset when she starts the 21 questions...
so on work days she is usually gone from 8am-5.30pm so that is a happy day...usually i will then do my running or cycling workout so i will not be at home... and then sometimes she will go do something outside... but still we are together too much (in my mind) and the emotions just go overboard... what usually ends up mum crying because and i quote:"why dont you want to talk to me?".. jeah sry i just dont want to talk about my insecurities with you or any of the people i know.. i want to look strong and self-confident to others who know me... but you here.. dont know me in real life and well you will understand me because i know what it is like... so thanks huns for being here for me...
.... and i wanted to say that i dont cry never ever... my mum is so emotional but i am much colder when it come to dealing with sad stufff.
i am just rambling about sry.. i just need a place where i can let it all out.

You know my social life is getting away from me getting skinny... i have a birthday party coming on Saturday and there will be food..but i will probably manage to avoid it... at least i hope i can.. also we have to bring our own drinks so that really a cut back from cals because i really cant afford a lot of drinks...

1 pm
got back from my jogging. did 45 minutes and burned about 400 cals, so that is great and btw i am not even hungry at the moment what is even more great. did some abs too but i sill havent managed to come up with a good muscle workout routine for myself, also i am thinking that i should not do running or cycling and then have a muscle workout right after that because i am usually just so fucking tired that i cant to much... so jeah have to think about that.
In: bread(200), apple(100), chicken (150), Cauliflower with butter(150)
Total 600
Out: -400 jogging

THE MYTH: Yo-yo dieting wrecks your metabolism
It's become common wisdom that depriving yourself of food — a.k.a. dieting — puts you into "starvation mode," in which you burn fewer calories because your body needs to hold on to what little nutrition it's getting; over time, the theory goes, your metabolism slows down for good. But "while extreme low-calorie diets do temporarily lower your metabolism, the effects don't last," Snyderman says. Researchers in Canada compared the resting metabolic rates of women who'd yo-yo dieted for an average of 18 years with what their metabolism should be for their height, weight, and age — and found no difference in 92 percent of the subjects. "Yo-yo diets don't hurt you, but they do frustrate you because they mean you haven't found the right way to keep the weight off," says Snyderman.

-That is a very good news i might say... dont you think

For more, click here...

Some macaroni 150
Apple croissant 450
Total:600

exercise- cycling -600
did some abs (not much though)

I am looking for different exercises for abs, legs, but and arms... so i can make up an workout plan. if you have any good exercised post please...
i will post my plan when i get mu lazy ass working to finish it...

I bought some sugar replacement today because i drink so much tea and coffee but i cant drink them without sugar so i had to buy it.
i am feeling so fucking fat because of the binge eating yesterday. Going to weigh in tomorrow morning... afraid that the number will be big...

Mom bought some cauliflower. was so happy because it is so few cals.
Then she boiled it an added some butter WTF. god i hate it so much.. now i cant eat it but i want to... fucking mother...i have the feeling that she wants to fat me up...
we havent had a good relationship these past month or two because she anoyes me so much and she cant understand that i want to be skinny and beautiful.. she just makes fuud that makes me fat...

I want to be THIN right now... not to wait... why the hell did i let it go so far that i ma such a fat ass at the moment.. why didnt i control myself more...
I need to reach 51 kg before 1-st of September. When school starts.