Hunt for perfection....

So sorry i havent posted for so long.
I have been bad and depressed and what ever. It is in the past now and behind me.
I i asked to a birthday party by M. the really sweet guy.
One big problem. I look so fat and nothing looks good on me.

So i did my homework. What is great because usually i do it Sunday late evenings or not at all. You know it is good to be the "good girl" sometimes. All my teachers think that i am this sweet and really good girl and sometimes i am. And i do care about people but in the end i am the most important person for me.
All my friends say that i am a person who wants to achieve more and more and is really determined. And AMBITIOUS. That is so true because i want to be the best in everything. There is no second place. It is the winner and the looser.

I am watching Supersize Vs. Superskinny. Really good.

I hate being at home i just snack constantly. And that ads up way too much food. Usually i go to the fridge and just eat there. i dont put my food on the plate and that really has to stop.
Intake
about 2500, damn honey

Running:-300

Ate like a fucking big. I really need some good distractions.
Went running, sprained my leg what means i ran like 30 minutes only.
Mom is now really spying on me. Found out that i took a laxative pill i denied but i dont really thing she bought me.
I just wish she would leave me fucking alone.

That was the number on the scale today morning, i should have been 60 kg so i am behind my goal for 0,4kg. That is bad but as the way i am eating i didnt expect a miracle. I kown i should not consume so much cals but if i dont eat well at breakfast and lunch my stomach will start being and asshole and make noises from hell. Anywasy at least i am loosing. But the progress will be slow and i will hate that it takse so long but well eventually i will be skinny. i mean when i wanted a fast loose i didnt eat much for days and then binged like a cow.
I had PE today. I was so damn hot there because i was wearing a long sleaved sweatshirt. But there was no way in hell i would have taken it off. I would have looked so discusting with my tight gym t-shirt. i was a idiot when i cleaned my closet i threw away all my big shirts so i would have to loose weight or nothing would fit me. Also it mean that all my shirts are now really tight and i have nothing suitable to wear for PE.

Bread: 150
Soup: 200
Milk dessert: 240
apples:300

Running: -400

I eat lunch at school so some of my cals are not as accurate but that is the best i can do.

It is day 2 of school and already i cant do my homework. i just keep putting it off. I have to do this translation thing for my English class(English is not my mother tongue) and i just... so lazy and i dont want to do it because it is a long boring text.
So about eating. i know i should really start counting calories to find out how much i eat but i think about 1200 today. I know it is a lot but i am trying to break the cycle of eat 500cals for 7 days and then go into full binge mode for 4 days and gain all i lost back. Anyways we will see how this will work.
i promise i will start counting calories from tomorrow.
Anyways on have a exercise plan 2 days of running for 45minutes then one day off then 2 running and so on. This gives my body time to recover. Also i will start doing different abs, but and arm exercised. well i did some today but i cant really cont that as a real muscle building workout.
I have PE tomorrow and i hate it. i have really tight workout clothes and i just look ugly fat in them and every mean girl/and we have lots of them) will see my fat discusting body and just will comment on that. Even if they dont say it loud i know what they think, she was so skinny last year but now she has gotten all the fat back. But i will show those girls i will be the hottest girl in my class soon.
Tomorrow is the first weigh in. wish me luck.

Ana's Girl: I really hope my mom will leave me alone, if she keeps this up i will blow off on her and really screm to leave me alone and mind her own business. Jeah the plan is ok. I will loose slowly maybe even very slowly but atleast i will not binge ( well i hope i will not) And all you comments are really lovely.

Thinantha: I hope you dont have to have that conversation with anyone. Mine was:
Mom: we need to talk about your eating. Do you have eating disorders, i mean anorexia?
Me: no. you dont have to worry. i have no eating disorder so just leave me alone.
MOM: i see how you eat. you know exepting it is the first step to recovery.
ME: I dont have an ED okey. dont you thrust me if i say id ont have it.
Mom:....
In my mind i just wanted to screm: I AM 18 I CAN DO WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO AND YOU HAVE NO POWER TO STOP ME DOING WHAT I WANT.

About the tatto... How much it will cost like to do it. i have no idea?

piana: I love to play football with friends, but i dont like watching it bores me to hell.

Rachel B:I love scool in that way. it really distracts me and i cant eat there. actually i love that i have thing that fill my day, it is so much easiyer. i mean when i had all free days in summer i just ate all the time because i was bored.

CA: I will do something meaningful i just dont know what jet.

PS! Thank you so much for being so suportive about the mother thing.

SHIT.
My mom had an "do you have anorexia?" conversation with me. I said no. i dont know did he believe me or not. Heaven knows i am not skinny enough to be anorexic. Well she thinks i have problems because she found my laxatives ( stupid me, should have hidden them more carefully) and also she saw or read a page from my diary( i wanted to kill her).
At least i am 18 so there are not a lot of things she can do besides the long conversations she wants to have where i talk about my feelings and stuff. Jeah mom that is never going to happen.
i have 10 months to live with her and then i will be of to university or to another country. So that will be great. At this point i just want my mom to leave me alone.

Anyways i had a great time with my friends yesterday. We drank some champagne, did some pictures and just talked and laughed. Food was bad but at least i stopped myself from binge eating but lets say i was no where near anorexia.
But i did go running or actually it was jogging. well i have this plan that i go jogging at least 3 times a week for 45 minutes. but i think i can do better and maybe even 6 times a week but 3 is minimal.
anywas i have this new plan i will eat breakfast and lunch and no dinner. and weekends i will eat 700 Saturday and fast on Sunday. Sunday is a really good day to fast beacause i cant binge when i finish my fast( i binge every time i try to fast) because i it will be Monday morning and i have to go to school.

Today was first day of school. I really felt like i was the fattest girl in our class and believe me the feeling was not good.
i have set myself the ultimate date . I want to be 51 kg on the first day of Autumn holiday. That gives me 52 day to loose this fatt i have on me. I know i can do this or i will have to start going to school naked because i dont have anything to ware because all my clothes will be too small for me.
I have a reward for myself. If i am 51 kg on the morning of 23.October i will get a tattoo.
So i have to do tow things by then
1) loose the fat 10kg
2) make up my mind what kind of tattoo i want.

<--i want my tattoo on the same spot like on the picture. i just dont know what picture i will make there... If anyone has suggestions what i should do please let me know.