Hunt for perfection....

So i lost my job. i am back home and well i actually quite like it because i hated my job a lot so jeah.
i looked myself at the mirror today and may i just say i am just such a FAT COW and i need to do something about that and fast.
i really hate my lack of willpower. i need do lose the wight but i cant.
i fast wor a day and then i fucking bringe eat.

i am such a flat stomach junky

i had a bad day yesterday and i hate it. god i look so fat at tha moment. i am starting a food diary/notebook today and hope it helps.
i am staying under 800cals for 4 days and then i will go to a dance camp for 6 days and there i have to eat what they offer us. then i have 6 days of under 800.
then i have a camp for 3 days and there i try to eat as little as i can get away with.

i feel fat and ugly.

i dont want to go to work. i just dont. hate it i am so tired.
i cant believe that one month of summer is already over i havent done anything very interesting just working and sleeping and eating.
i feel miserable i want to have fun. i am thinking that i will work for July and then August i will just rest and have fun.

i am going to buy a scale and i dont care how much it will cost and i dont care that i dont have any money to buy it but i am going to buy a scale
because i need to know how much i weigh.
so i am going to buy a scale tomorrow weigh myself and then set up some goal weights.
my ultimate goal weigh is 51kg but when i reach it i will set a high weight for myself that i cant go over ever again. it will probably be 53 kg. maybe less.

Last night wass so bad. i was hurting so much. hate him but still want him to be near me and hold me. i am so depressed.
so at five R called and said i didnt have to go to work. I was clad at first because we had a national celebration that day what mean a big party. i thought i cold no do something fun. so i live in a small town but for the summer i moved to another town to go to work. so i called this Guy T and asked if he had any plans. he said no. so i asked him will i catch a bus to my hometown or will they be coming here. He said that they will come BUt THE DID NOT COME. god i was so upset, i even cried a bit (i dont cry at all) i was so upset and well i wanted to call him but i stopped myself.
HE hurts me but still i want to be with him. why wont it stop.
had a bad food day to about 1900 cals.
i have an sunburn too.

i had i really bad day at work yesterday i messed up everything and was way to slow. Got that was one of those days when everything goes wrong. I am so tired and just want to curl up somewhere and just be. lay there and do nothing. i am feeling some kind of drepressiong goming.

on the happyer note i have fasted now for 24 hours. i had three days of partyes and so much food and so yesterday after breakfast i was like: thats it i am fasting as long as i can go. usually i am terrible at fasting and i dont last more than 20 hours but this time i will make it at least 72 hours.

it is nice and summy outside so i can hit the beach with my friend. i really need some tanning i am withe as a swan at the moment. and hating it.

i have some guy troubles and that is making me miserable. I have this guy, lets call him T. Well me and T have this thing going one for long (some kissing and making out) WE have lots of fun together and i really like him. So the other day i was at his place and well we where making out and well at whan point he asksks me have i had sex. and i was like no.And well i knew he wanted sex but i wasnt shure so he ended up taking me home and well now i am upset at myself. i thing i should have slept with him because i really like hime but i am afraid a bit. god what a mess.
i just cant stop thinking about him and it makes me sad. and i am terryfied that he doesnt like me.
oh and he hastn replay my text message i sent him Yesterday.
i might ask him to come over on wednesday and well i want to talk to him and become his girlgriend but i am so fucking scared that he wont like me. HOW THE HELL I OVERCOME MY FEAR????
i might also sleep with him.


god fucking day, i rent an apartment and the old to much speaking and lecturing owner of the apartment just walked in. i hope she doesent notice me or she will gome over and start babling. god i hate that old bich so much. DONT notice me DONT notice me

so i had a few free days from work and i decided to spend them at my regular home (where i live with my parents)
i got here and surprise i had no Internet. god i wanted to kill someone. but well i fortunately got the net back.
i went to a friends birthday party what mean a lot of food and alcohol. nice. but i am getting my butt in shape again i havent eaten anything today and i mean to keep it that way.
i went to a friends graduation party. it was so nice. but i might add that i didnt like any of the dresses the girls where wearing. they where just so not my stile.
but the boys where great,

Well thanks for all your comments.
i hope you are doing great and losing weight

So my legs are killing me because all this walking i have to do at work but i ceep reminding myself what a good exercise it is. I had such a good day yesterday at only about 800cals (what is very good considering i had ma bringe last Wednesday and Thuesday) also i had a good day at work because i didnt eat a single thing there only drank a lot of lemon water.
todays plan is not to go over 800 but i probably do even better.

i had so good thinspo at work. there were tow girl who were like only bones. their collrbones whwr showing so much and on of the grils sholder bones where seen at least 2 cm. dead skinny.

i havent gotten much sleep to do my roommate who wakes up earlyer because she dosent have to work at night and well when she opens her eyes also she mouth opens and she just cant shut up. it is so anoying. really i want to sleep not listen to you chatting about stupid stuff. also she speaks to herself when she is in the other room.
like today she couldn't start the coffe maker so she was like:"go one stupid thing, start to work, need some coffe" (god i want to sleep not listen to you talking to the coffe maker)
---sry for the complaining but it anoyes me---
also in the morning when i ate only 200g of yoghurt she asked:"aren.t you coing to eat anything else?"
And i was like : "i ate at work before i cot home so i am full" (love to eating at work excuse)
Then she was like:" i also ate at work, i orderd a pizza(she works at the pizza place so she can eat them for free)
And then i was thinking to myself:#jeah go eat those pizzas and you will never have a flat stomach (she has a big stomach i might add)
i can say that she is i bit thinspo for me because i dont want that ugly fat stomach.
do you have any close thinspirations?

well in the subject of fatness i might say that i also dont like to watch fat people but i might add that it is the best thinspiration if you see a fat person in the beach but also it makes me wantto throw up a little too.
and i might add that my last post was weird when i read it today. i actually dont like fat people but i am happy that i dont look like them .
you can see way to much fat people in public transportation.sometimes i just have to urge to screm them that they should step off the bus and walk.

i had a good day i was walking in the beach (there were a only a few people because it was raining) and this really hot guy ran past me and well i just enjoyed the sight :D

So my friends visit went great. i have known her for not very long but i feel that i can speak to her very openly and i can trust her quite a lot. of course there are some subjects that i dont talk to her like my eating obsessions and well there are other stuf what i dont mention her. but i can say that she is really important to me. we stayd up very late last night and talked until 3am.

i didn,t eat nothing but dinner last night but it was a big inner but fortunately we went for a 2 hour walk after that so that, s great.
it is a lot sunnyer today so i am loveing that. i need to go buy some running shoes for myself. mybe i will go right after i finish this post.

totay when i was riding with the bus i saw a 5 year old kid who was FAT (and when i say fat i mean truly fat). beside her was her grandmother who was fat and then a few stops after that came the mother who was the fattest and that really discusted me.
it made me think what that child will feel if she gets older will she accept that she is fat will she start exercising and enting helthyly to loose weight or will she have an ED...

i really admire those people who are normal weight and have acceptid it and are ok with it. i am not that strong. i want to be SKINNY; SLIM; THIN not and average healty weight (is that so bad?)
i want to be beautiful, hot, sexy and all that.

I dont know what to think.
Yesterday i tryed on my jeans what i bought last year when i was way skinny. i didnt try then on earlyer because i was afraid that they would not fit me anymore and well i was right. I AM SUCH A FAT-IDIOT.
So i went shopping because i needed some jeand when i got home i found out that the jeans i had bought where the same size as the ones i had allready. SO WTF?

I has a small bringe last night. really hate myself. havent had any food today.
soon i will meet up with my good friend so i have to eat then. fucking great. i cant i just stop myself from eating.??...

I have spent so much money on clothes and shoues this week. i just have to stop it. but well when xs jumppert fitted me so nicely i juat had to buy it. and also i found a sexy bikini and some hot purple high heeled shoes and also the jeans what look wonderfool with the shoes.
i hope that i will earn the money back from tips i cet from custumers. i really hope so. normaly i am not such a shoppaholic because usually i donat find nice clothes what would fitt me well

i want my geography exam results. it is driving me crazy.

I fucking have to start working-out but i just cant get myself to start the first steps. and i need new treiners because the old ones are worn out.
i net to get working on my abs because at the momant ther are no abs just a hole lot of fat.

omg a really fat person just sat next to me. i hate this public internet place. there are like sex more persons here with me
FAt person- who is reading... i cant believe it a cooking site... well got luck with that. and well i might say if you are fat dont fucking wher clothes what are to small for you because i can see all the flabby fat you have on you and well it is just discusting.
Hot guy- there is on hot guy here to but unfortunatly i cant see on what website he is on. she has dark hair and seems taht he works out a lot. god if he would be my bf i woul filp out.
some computer nerd- classes, a gardican, washed jeans to long and not werry clen hair and well just looks that he has spen to much time infront of the computen and to little with actualy people. but well on good point is that he is like skinny(if you can say that to a boy) i have never figured it out. they sit behind the computer all day, eat fast food and still have only bones and skinn. whay cant i have that fast metabolism...

And i really need to get a boyfriend i so miss that feeling when someone is holding you and you smell ther afterhave and well...
where the hell i can meet some guys? have any sugestions... i am miserable...

So my days have been wery work related.
SO yesterday i had a 10 hour workday. and we had so many custumers. and i think i walked/jogged all that time so i had to burn some serious fat... pluss i was carrying heavy bear muggs.
also my legs a sore. Have you got any good tips how to treat my pore leegs.

Drunk people especially men can be fucking assholes. shure i want to go out with you when you pinch my butt and look as old as my granddad . shure i want to be with you when you cant even stand up strait. one point i will probably slap someone.

My food intake has been all over. about 1000 cals or less.
Oh and i will try that mobime texing trick. thnks btw.

I have to think about my laptop. i will see if i can aford it when i get ,my paycheck.

I really need sun. Please.

will go shopping now. probably will not find anything that would fit me...

Also i have the most problem with my belly area especially the bottom part of it..
what exersices i can do at home that actually help tone it .

So i moved into my summer flat yesterday what is great because now i can diet like i want because ther isnt my mother how would keep an eye on me and also i have no temtations like chocolate, cakes, or suger laying around.
well only a small problem is my flatmate and good friend but usuall i just say that i ate at work so she will not ask questions why am i not eating.

So i work as i waitress usually in the evening time 6pm till 2am or 4am next morning. So that burns a lot of calories.
I just have to stop snaking at work. i am just so hungry and then i tend to snak very unhealty food ther what usually contain much fat and are fried in oil. I just have to stop doing that. I might eat a filling and healty dinner at home and then brush my teeth so i will not snack there.

i just hate how much weight i have put on. my jeans what were once loose are now... well i have troble putting them on. also my tights are rubing against eachother that is what i HATe the most and well also the muffin tops and the fact that do to my body time i have no waist. so i have to be thin to have a nice defined waist.

i dont want to be like so supper skinny that i look that i am about to die. i just want to look thin, slender (well i dont konw the right word for it) just i want to have a nice weight what looks good on me and is also containable. i want to loos weight and then i want to maintain it for a lifetime with healty exercise and food plan. At least that is my plan.

It is raining as hell outside so i cant even go to the beach. what really sucks. i want to have a nice colden tan because i think taht i look way better and also skinnier when i am tanned.

I am actually in an public internet spot because i dont have net in my new flat. i am thinking of buying myself a laoptop. Would that be a good idea?

Well i dont need it at home, because there i have a regular computer but i just dont know is it worth the money.
because here i can juse the public internet spot when ever i have the time and well also when it is opened.

PS! sry for all the spelling misteks i might do, English is not my first language.
i have a spelling chek at home but here they dont have it.

Yesterdays intahe:
2 like these fast soup 400 cal
bread
...
well actually i cant remeber what the hell i ate. have to start writing stuff down. But it wasent more than 1000cals.

Todays intake:
coffe+ piece of sugar
3 bread+ low fat ham

I will edid so time soon... probably will have a small dinner to before work

i AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT.

sry for tht i just mean i cant control myself on parties NO CONTROL:
we had a school ending party with my class and i just ended up eating way to much.
i just could not stop myself. i cant fucking understand why but i just could not stop myself.

ok enough with the past.
totay is a new day.
i am moving away for the summer from my parents house to a flat for my summer job so
i can restict there very well because there will be very little temptation of food.

so from now one 500-800cals maybe even less

the bad thing is that i am not sure how often i can use the net because i dont have a computer there.but i will try to use the public libary,

stay strong girls

Here are a few:
Grapefruit,
Lemons,
Celery,
asparagus,
beets,
cabbage,
tomatoes,
oranges,
pineapples,
tangerine,

I had my geography exam today. i think it went pretty well.
I ate quite a lot before the exam because i needed the energy but now i think i overdid my eating, but well it is still in my daily calori limit.

Todays intake:
white bread 260
honey 125
porridge 150
sausage 70

Total: 605

At the moment i look so short and plump from the mirror and i Fucking hate it.

so it is the 1.st of June and i am going to start my diet plan.
So i am thing of 500-800cals a day (i have a pretty active work and i cant pass out there)
7-11 or 12 will have the Master Cleanse.
God i hope i can do that. usually i am a total FAIL when it comes to fasting.

Today's menu:
Chicken 350 cal
Milk pudding 200 cal
Ice cream 150 (i was out with my friends and the boys brought us ice-crem so i coldnt say now without looking a weirdou)

But i cycled 30min, swam 30min and played hardcore football/soccer with boys so that must be total like -700cal


So do you also have that feeling that something is missing in your life but you cant put your finger on it(cant say exactly what you need to be perfectly happy?)
i have that feeling and usually i try to stuff the hole in my sole with food, but that will make me even more miserable.

oh great i am going swimming with a group
where there is this boy with who i have this thing.
and well i look just awful in a bikini.
i am such and idiot, i bringed yesterday and today is a new beginning.