Hunt for perfection....

I will leave for a few days...
going to my grandparents place...
there is no net...
maybe there i can get myself back on track...
i am back at my start weight...
these last days have been so horrible...
but i will get myself back on track and start oven and this time i will make things happen...

i took a new paper diary because i needed something new like a new start or something like that...

i am sorry i failed you and myself
need to get happy and moving again...-

i am afraid that some i konw has find this blog because i used my old e-mail address when i did this blog...
i hope i am wrong but if i am not i have to destroy this blog and start a new blog...
that would be bad ... :(

"To do list"

• Find great thinspo pictures
• Make a great Thinspiration video
• Write at least 4 pages to my "Paper diary"
• Find new good songs and download them to my mp3 player(at least 100new songs)
  
• Exercise: cycling 2 hours, running 45 min,
  
• Make a muscular workout routine and post it here
• MAke a good couples thinspo video
• Clean up my closet
• Learn for my driving theory test
• Write 101 reasons why it is good to be thin
• Clean up my computer from junk
• 
  

midnight
So it is past midnight and my fats begins...not sure how long it will last but at least 24 hours
so i am doing a "to Do list" so i will have something to do rather than eat.
and i might worn you that todays post is going to be a long one beacuse i need to keep myself occupied...

"To Do List"

• Find great thinspo pictures
• Make a great Thinspiration video
• Write at least 4 pages to my "Paper diary"
• Find new good songs and download them to my mp3 player
• Exercise: cycling 2 hours, running 45 min,
  
• Make a muscular workout routine and post it here

11 am
So hopped on the scale this morning and it showed 58.5kg so i have put on 2 hole kilograms with my binge eating yesterday and with my not so good eating the day before...
i needed to see that number so i could realize that i dont want that number and i am not going to binge anymore...
and my stomach is crowling and very noisy but sry no food for you today

5pm
BINGE
dont want to talk about it...

NEW PLAN
i can consume as many calories as daly basic as i burn of exercising...

diid and hour of cycling... that is just so little compared to the amount of food i consumed... and i was doing so good...

Ate probably like 3000cls,
i reached home after a nightmare driving lesson just to find out that my internet was out so i was home alone and nothing to do but to eat... so i ate...also my period is fucking me up...
but after i had eaten i just needed to do something so i went cycling for 2 hours that burned like 800clas i know that is so littel for the massive amount of food i ate but at least i didnt just sit on my bed and mope, i did something

but i just feel such a failure...i failed myself and you all and well i just dont...
i know that food will not fill the emtyness in my soul but i still try to stuff it with food...

i am thinking of fasting ... i havent never fasted... i have tried but it usually ended with a total binge...
but if i have net tomorrow i hope i can do it...anyone want to join me feel free to... maybe i will do even a two day fast if i can...
and also i am going to weigh myself... i have to see that BIG number so i can kick my but and start over again...

And i love all your comments... i just fish i had my net when i got home that i would not have binged probably after reading all you lovely comments... i feel i failed you and mayself...

We will see what the scale says tomorrow...

sry for being allover the place with my text i am just so off and unhappy about my food intake... i cant even purge i have tryed it a few times but i cant get much up and for the little i get up i have to work for a lot... and also i dont like to purge... so i dont... so i consume evey calorie i eat... fuck

so i need to keep myself busy tomorrow when i am fasting... what the hell i am going to do that 17hours when i am awake...??+...

IN: have no idea but i will say 3000

Out: cycling -800 2hours

9.51am
i dont know who i should thank for this but... i am happy that i dropped a few grams...
Good thing i did that cycling yesterday probably that was what saved me... today i am going to be good very good indeed...
6 pm
Mum just got home and boy did she do some grocery shopping... shit. i am in hell, at least she bought the lemon i asked.. i need it for my water because i dont like plain water so much also lemon will speed up your metabolism...
she also bouht some strawberris...that will be mu dinner for tonight
7.47pm
i just finished my strawberries, i eat too much of them but they where so good and also fruit and they contain so few cals and i am proud that i didnt eat that cheese my mom bought (i cant resist tha cheese normaly, i eat it plain because it is so good but so high on cals, but i didnt eat it)
i am also on my period so i dont know if that has anything to do with my apetite..??...


In: bread(200), chicken(200), 2carrots(50), white bread(100), STRAWBERRIES(have no idea but more that i should have had, but they where so good)

109.19am
Dancing around the room like a crazy person...
Where the hell this came from..?..
but i am happy, like sooo Happy, i never thought i could lose this so fast, i will soon reach my first goal weight and get my reward...
i actually promised myself that i wont buy any new clothes before i reach my UGW so that is a big motivator to me,
but i know i will start losing slower when i get my weight lower... and
i was so good yesterday... i went to a birthday party and didnt eat the greasy sausages the where grilling... and there wasnt actually much else to eat either...so that was god...less temptations...didnt drink because i didnt feel like it... i usually prefer to dring in the right company and i usually dont get wasted(but it happens too sometimes) i actually dont drin very often...only on social events and sometimes home alone when i feel i need a few sips of alcohol.

and thanks for all your lovely comments... i is so nice to know that there are other people like me and i am not alone in this.. sometimes it feels that i am the only weird and unhappy one and eveyone else are doing great and are with perfect lives..but that is not the case, everyone has problems and worries they just dont always show them to other close people...
about my mum, we get along well and i love her and i konw that she loves and cares about me so much but that is the point... she cares and wants me to be happy and stuff so she puts her nose into my stuff and life and there all the problems start...i want to be independent and she cant let go of me...

You also need some stile...
So i was walking along a busy street yesterday and started to really watch people, how they look, what they are wearing and ec. so i really noticed that fat people look bad in most clothing and skinny look much better...even in clothing what went wery nice...
but still some outfits made me wonder if the person had looked herself from the mirror before she got out..?... some clothing they where waring where just so ugly...
and i got some really good thinspo walking on that street because i dont want to be the FAT GIRL... i want to be the sexy skinny girl who everyone are staring for thinspo... :D

1pm
i am so craving for something, i want to binge, eat, aet, eat, eat, but i am not going to... have to stay strong..
i am going to let myself have a 1000cal day..i know its bad but i will still exercise -600 on a bike and maybe even more if i can...
and 1000cals is better than a full on binge...
2.30pm
Kinda hate myself at the moment for eating so much...why am i so weak..i wasnt even hungry i just wanted some food in my mouth... fucking fat idiot...
6.24 pm
i am a fail ate shit loads of stuff... fill horrible going for a very long bike ride...

In: apple(100), fried potatoes(150), chicken(200), apple(100), chicken(100), milk(150), white bread+jam(200),bread(100)..more stuff
Total: about 1900

Out: cycling 105min -700 cal
muscle workout

8.26pm
so usually when i binge or overeat i just lay around the room and dont do anything because i feel like shit... well i did feel like shit after eating way too much...but this time i kicked my but and went for a bike ride... i was aiming 2-2.5 hors but i did 1h and 45min so thats 105 min what burned about 700cals witch leaves me 1200 more but my Basic metabolism (the cals i burn just staying alive with not activity) is about 1300 so i really hope i didnd at least cane any weight...
i am also doing an muscle workout but i will rest a bit so i can to a full on workot not only few exercises because i am to tired to do more.

sry about the constant editing but i need something to do...

10 am
It in not that bad... at least it starts with a five. and well it has been only one day since my last binge attack so it is fine. not going to be upset.
now i need to stay on track..
i have first aid course today so i have to go to a bigger town than mine. i will probably not eat during the day and then before i get there i will eat my packed dinner what i will take from home...
I have two reason why i will take it from home... 1) some food will be missing from the fridge so mum will be happy that i ate..2) i cant usually find anything filling and low cal and things i can eat outside from stores i visit...
I have big problems with throwing away food. me and my mum live together just two of us... i am usually home a lone during the day when she is at work... so avoiding food i easy but she will notice if i havent eaten anything from the fridge... so i should throw some of the food away but i seems so much of a waste of money....
BTW me and my mum live in a one room apartment That means: kitchen, hall-way, toilet, bathroom and ONE ROOM where we both sleep and just be during the days... so you might imagine the conflicts we might have... my mum is really sweet and wants to help me and stuff it is just me who dosent want her poking around my life... so i get upset when she starts the 21 questions...
so on work days she is usually gone from 8am-5.30pm so that is a happy day...usually i will then do my running or cycling workout so i will not be at home... and then sometimes she will go do something outside... but still we are together too much (in my mind) and the emotions just go overboard... what usually ends up mum crying because and i quote:"why dont you want to talk to me?".. jeah sry i just dont want to talk about my insecurities with you or any of the people i know.. i want to look strong and self-confident to others who know me... but you here.. dont know me in real life and well you will understand me because i know what it is like... so thanks huns for being here for me...
.... and i wanted to say that i dont cry never ever... my mum is so emotional but i am much colder when it come to dealing with sad stufff.
i am just rambling about sry.. i just need a place where i can let it all out.

You know my social life is getting away from me getting skinny... i have a birthday party coming on Saturday and there will be food..but i will probably manage to avoid it... at least i hope i can.. also we have to bring our own drinks so that really a cut back from cals because i really cant afford a lot of drinks...

1 pm
got back from my jogging. did 45 minutes and burned about 400 cals, so that is great and btw i am not even hungry at the moment what is even more great. did some abs too but i sill havent managed to come up with a good muscle workout routine for myself, also i am thinking that i should not do running or cycling and then have a muscle workout right after that because i am usually just so fucking tired that i cant to much... so jeah have to think about that.
In: bread(200), apple(100), chicken (150), Cauliflower with butter(150)
Total 600
Out: -400 jogging

THE MYTH: Yo-yo dieting wrecks your metabolism
It's become common wisdom that depriving yourself of food — a.k.a. dieting — puts you into "starvation mode," in which you burn fewer calories because your body needs to hold on to what little nutrition it's getting; over time, the theory goes, your metabolism slows down for good. But "while extreme low-calorie diets do temporarily lower your metabolism, the effects don't last," Snyderman says. Researchers in Canada compared the resting metabolic rates of women who'd yo-yo dieted for an average of 18 years with what their metabolism should be for their height, weight, and age — and found no difference in 92 percent of the subjects. "Yo-yo diets don't hurt you, but they do frustrate you because they mean you haven't found the right way to keep the weight off," says Snyderman.

-That is a very good news i might say... dont you think

For more, click here...

Some macaroni 150
Apple croissant 450
Total:600

exercise- cycling -600
did some abs (not much though)

I am looking for different exercises for abs, legs, but and arms... so i can make up an workout plan. if you have any good exercised post please...
i will post my plan when i get mu lazy ass working to finish it...

I bought some sugar replacement today because i drink so much tea and coffee but i cant drink them without sugar so i had to buy it.
i am feeling so fucking fat because of the binge eating yesterday. Going to weigh in tomorrow morning... afraid that the number will be big...

Mom bought some cauliflower. was so happy because it is so few cals.
Then she boiled it an added some butter WTF. god i hate it so much.. now i cant eat it but i want to... fucking mother...i have the feeling that she wants to fat me up...
we havent had a good relationship these past month or two because she anoyes me so much and she cant understand that i want to be skinny and beautiful.. she just makes fuud that makes me fat...

I want to be THIN right now... not to wait... why the hell did i let it go so far that i ma such a fat ass at the moment.. why didnt i control myself more...
I need to reach 51 kg before 1-st of September. When school starts.

My stomach is so big from the binge eating session i had yesterday, i feel ugly and discusting. where the hell was my common sense when i binged last night.?
i am probably at mt started weight again even more....
but i can do this.... today is an new start... i have my car lesson in the morning and then i have the day off... i probably cant do a fast because i will be too terrified that i will binge in the evening... that usually(not to say it always ) happens to me...
also i have this "club guy" who just wont stop calling me and asking when i am in town so we can meet up...
we met in the club last Friday and danced a little... now he want to meet and i well dont...because:
1.i am a big fat ugly cow at the moment (at least that i feel like one... because the food)
2. i am not that attracted to him... i am not even that sure if i would receognise the guy if he would walk past me... but i sure remember that he wasnt my type.
but in the other hand my love life is just miserable and depressing at the moment but well i petter be witout no guy than with one i dont really like...

My mum is so anoying.
Her" why are you not smiling?"
Why arent you more happy"

Me:" I am a fat, ugly, miserable, girl, who isnt liked by any guy she likes, and i dont even want to go out because i look so freaking horrible and i have the fattest and biggest stomach ever"
-but i wont say that... no...

I have noticed that lately my mood of the day depends of how much i have eaten and how fat i look from the mirror.... so why cant i just eat little so i can feel happy all day long???

Ok sry girls for this long... bitching... feeling sorry for myself entry i just wrote but i truly need a place where i can let it all out....
today is a new day and we will see what it brings to us...
it is just 6am at the moment so i will edit in the evening...

i dont even want to write anything.
the camp was so much fun.
the EAting was horrible. i am back to where i started probably even more. gone weigh myself Friday morning and hop i have lost some of this weight.
i lost so much in 3 days but is probably was just water weight not fat.
we played volleyball at the camp. it was hot and i put on my bikini then looked myself at the mirror and putted the shirt back on. i haded the way i looked.
i dont want to be the fat kid. i want to slim down. but todays eating was just so horrible.
oh why i do this to myself..?
gona start new tomorrow. no more than 600 cals and this time i am sticking to that.

i am feeling so numb lately, I WANT TO BE THIN AGAIN
I AM GOING TO BE THIN

i love all your comments BTW.
and i am going to watch "Perfect body" tomorrow if i get the chance

That's the number on the scale this morning. i think all of your lovely girls who are following know the exited, happy, jolly, high feeling you get when you step on a scale and the number is lower than the day before. i so much hope that you are doing great too. I know you are. we are strong and will make our dreams happen. (jeah i am an really happy person at the moment)
of course i hope i will not gain some of it back in my camp.... but i am sure that i will at least maintain my weight maybe even lower it a bit. i wanted to go running (i have a workout plan what says i should run for 45 min today) but it was raining so no running. i am thinking of skipping breakfast but i will see how i am feeling. i have this weird feeling in my head. it is not aching but this weird i dont know even how to describe it...

Intake:
cottage cheese 40
cucumber 10
"pelmeen" 550
peach 40
apple 100
Total:740
it is totaly too much but now i just cant eat anything for the rest of the day. it is 2.pm at tha moment. good give me strength.
Training: Biking 1,5hours -600cals
(i calculated on different sites and that is what was about the average result)

Mom made a "nice" breakfast so i just had to eat because she would have been so like: why are you not eating? what is wrong? blah blah
pelmeen-it is quite small ball what contains meat and around the meat is some dough, not very healthy :(
Today has been an excellent day. i found some marvelous thinspiration and i also had a long workout what burned a lot of cals. i might also go running in the evening because i could not go yesterday because of the rain.

I am going to a camp sort of a thing tomorrow for 3days. i hope i will have fantastic time there with my friends and i also hope to make some new acquaintances. maybe there will be hotsmoking guys. my love life really needs a boost at the moment.
i have this thing with this one guy who i really like but well i feel just too FAt at the moment to ask him if he wants to start dating me again...
ok the biggest downfall of this camp is that i have to eat there or my friends get all worried. i was really skinny last year and some of them where worried about me. but hell i got so many flattery compliments from them and other people about how good i look.
now i dont hear many compliments if any at all. you can say that normal girl are the prettyest but hell it is not true. Slim, fragile and petite girls get all the atention.
now i am at a normal weight and hate it want to get back to that i was.

i am downloading biggest looser hope it will make a good thinspo.
have any film/tv show suggestions what i might watch for thinspo.

Intake:
tomato 40
banana 100
cottage cheese 320
white bread 60
apple 160
Total:680

I have a training plan also but it is raining so i dont want to go running but if it stops i will kick my butt and start running.

What do you think how often should i weigh myself?

PN!Jogging for 45 min burns 400 cals
PN=personal note to myself

So i finally got my ass up and running at 8.00pm. even though i had a massive blister on my heel.
i was happy and running and then about five minutes after i had left the house it started pouring rain. FUCKING GREAT. The day i start my workout is the day it rains like hell. so much hate this at the moment. But it will be ok i will just do my today's running tomorrow morning(if it stops raining) and do my tomorrows workout tomorrow evening.
i cant bare to see my body in front of a mirror. i just hate the sight.

i also need to think a reward for myself when i reach my goal weight...
and a reward for the half point what is 55kg.
any suggestions?

Intake:
Bread- 130
Cottage cheese 320
macaroni 50
Total: 600

+ some alcohol
but we had a party so i just had to drink something. also we went to a nightclub and danced for 4 hours so i hope that i burned all the cals.

Plus i finally bought myself a scale so now i can monitor my weight easily and i hope that this will keep me on track.
So my weight is 61.2kg/134ibs

i have no idea, what is wrong.
i want to stop eating but i cant i just eat eat and eat and then hate mayself so much
i am trying to staff the emptiness the hollow feeling in my soul with food but it is not helping it is just making it bigger and bigger

i need to buy a scale
i have no idea how i keep it hidden from my mum but i need it.
any ides?

i am fasting today. I slept late so i overslept my car driving lesson what is like shit.
So now i am liquid fasting.
I tried to do the SAlt water flush too but it tasted so bad i could only cet down two mouthfuls of the thing.

Edidt of the day...failed to fast binged in the evening
GOOD fucking job...

So i made some kind of an charm for myself.
i bought this necklace what has a locket what opens and you can put a picture or something inside it but i wrote two of my favorite eating related quotations on a paper and put that inside of it. i am going the wear it all the time so i will remember that i want to be skinny and not to bringe.

i have plans
but then i overaet and feel like i real low life and a person who cant achieve anything
i am so down at the moment actually i have been feeling like shit for a wile now
i am NUMB
Linking Park- Numb
just like i am feeling
i just want to curl up in the corner and pull a blanket over my head and just sit there

sry for the rant i am just feeling so bad and i have no other place to write it

i just had a bringe episode and well that make everything even worse and i had a plan to start a "UNDER 500kcal DIET" today.

Actually i am so normal that it bores me to death.
I have a loving mother, pretty good friends, i have good grades and to the naked eye everything seemes to be good and happy for me but if you look closer you will see cracks in my mask. and if you look even deeper you will see a soul what is broken.

i look average, i am in an average weight and i look average but i want to be skinny, hot, sexy, the girl that everyone envies and all the boys and men want. i want to be that confident girl who walks into a room like she owns it.

edit:
my mom is sitting in the other room crying because i am not sheering my feelings with her. god what i have to say... that i am fucking hating myself at the moment because i am a big fat ugly pig...???
i cant even buy a scale because she would go nuts over it. fuck.
i want to go back to the city where i worked to get away from her again.

she is so much like: Talk to me and tell me what is wrong. why are you in a bad mood? what is wrong? Tell me? talk to me? tell me! talk. You dont want to talk to me? why dont you talk to me?
and well then the tears come... i hate that she is so emotional.... i dont cry. EVER
i cant remember the last time i cried.


GOD MY STOMACH HURT BECAUSE ALL THIS OVEREATING AND BRINGING TODAY....