So i lost my job. i am back home and well i actually quite like it because i hated my job a lot so jeah.
i looked myself at the mirror today and may i just say i am just such a FAT COW and i need to do something about that and fast.
i really hate my lack of willpower. i need do lose the wight but i cant.
i fast wor a day and then i fucking bringe eat.
i am such a flat stomach junky
i had a bad day yesterday and i hate it. god i look so fat at tha moment. i am starting a food diary/notebook today and hope it helps.
i am staying under 800cals for 4 days and then i will go to a dance camp for 6 days and there i have to eat what they offer us. then i have 6 days of under 800.
then i have a camp for 3 days and there i try to eat as little as i can get away with.
i feel fat and ugly.
i dont want to go to work. i just dont. hate it i am so tired.
i cant believe that one month of summer is already over i havent done anything very interesting just working and sleeping and eating.
i feel miserable i want to have fun. i am thinking that i will work for July and then August i will just rest and have fun.
i am going to buy a scale and i dont care how much it will cost and i dont care that i dont have any money to buy it but i am going to buy a scale
because i need to know how much i weigh.
so i am going to buy a scale tomorrow weigh myself and then set up some goal weights.
my ultimate goal weigh is 51kg but when i reach it i will set a high weight for myself that i cant go over ever again. it will probably be 53 kg. maybe less.
Last night wass so bad. i was hurting so much. hate him but still want him to be near me and hold me. i am so depressed.
so at five R called and said i didnt have to go to work. I was clad at first because we had a national celebration that day what mean a big party. i thought i cold no do something fun. so i live in a small town but for the summer i moved to another town to go to work. so i called this Guy T and asked if he had any plans. he said no. so i asked him will i catch a bus to my hometown or will they be coming here. He said that they will come BUt THE DID NOT COME. god i was so upset, i even cried a bit (i dont cry at all) i was so upset and well i wanted to call him but i stopped myself.
HE hurts me but still i want to be with him. why wont it stop.
had a bad food day to about 1900 cals.
i have an sunburn too.
i had i really bad day at work yesterday i messed up everything and was way to slow. Got that was one of those days when everything goes wrong. I am so tired and just want to curl up somewhere and just be. lay there and do nothing. i am feeling some kind of drepressiong goming.
on the happyer note i have fasted now for 24 hours. i had three days of partyes and so much food and so yesterday after breakfast i was like: thats it i am fasting as long as i can go. usually i am terrible at fasting and i dont last more than 20 hours but this time i will make it at least 72 hours.
it is nice and summy outside so i can hit the beach with my friend. i really need some tanning i am withe as a swan at the moment. and hating it.
i have some guy troubles and that is making me miserable. I have this guy, lets call him T. Well me and T have this thing going one for long (some kissing and making out) WE have lots of fun together and i really like him. So the other day i was at his place and well we where making out and well at whan point he asksks me have i had sex. and i was like no.And well i knew he wanted sex but i wasnt shure so he ended up taking me home and well now i am upset at myself. i thing i should have slept with him because i really like hime but i am afraid a bit. god what a mess.
i just cant stop thinking about him and it makes me sad. and i am terryfied that he doesnt like me.
oh and he hastn replay my text message i sent him Yesterday.
i might ask him to come over on wednesday and well i want to talk to him and become his girlgriend but i am so fucking scared that he wont like me. HOW THE HELL I OVERCOME MY FEAR????
i might also sleep with him.
god fucking day, i rent an apartment and the old to much speaking and lecturing owner of the apartment just walked in. i hope she doesent notice me or she will gome over and start babling. god i hate that old bich so much. DONT notice me DONT notice me
so i had a few free days from work and i decided to spend them at my regular home (where i live with my parents)
i got here and surprise i had no Internet. god i wanted to kill someone. but well i fortunately got the net back.
i went to a friends birthday party what mean a lot of food and alcohol. nice. but i am getting my butt in shape again i havent eaten anything today and i mean to keep it that way.
i went to a friends graduation party. it was so nice. but i might add that i didnt like any of the dresses the girls where wearing. they where just so not my stile.
but the boys where great,
Well thanks for all your comments.
i hope you are doing great and losing weight
So my legs are killing me because all this walking i have to do at work but i ceep reminding myself what a good exercise it is. I had such a good day yesterday at only about 800cals (what is very good considering i had ma bringe last Wednesday and Thuesday) also i had a good day at work because i didnt eat a single thing there only drank a lot of lemon water.
todays plan is not to go over 800 but i probably do even better.
i had so good thinspo at work. there were tow girl who were like only bones. their collrbones whwr showing so much and on of the grils sholder bones where seen at least 2 cm. dead skinny.
i havent gotten much sleep to do my roommate who wakes up earlyer because she dosent have to work at night and well when she opens her eyes also she mouth opens and she just cant shut up. it is so anoying. really i want to sleep not listen to you chatting about stupid stuff. also she speaks to herself when she is in the other room.
like today she couldn't start the coffe maker so she was like:"go one stupid thing, start to work, need some coffe" (god i want to sleep not listen to you talking to the coffe maker)
---sry for the complaining but it anoyes me---
also in the morning when i ate only 200g of yoghurt she asked:"aren.t you coing to eat anything else?"
And i was like : "i ate at work before i cot home so i am full" (love to eating at work excuse)
Then she was like:" i also ate at work, i orderd a pizza(she works at the pizza place so she can eat them for free)
And then i was thinking to myself:#jeah go eat those pizzas and you will never have a flat stomach (she has a big stomach i might add)
i can say that she is i bit thinspo for me because i dont want that ugly fat stomach.
do you have any close thinspirations?
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