I am so sorry to say this but i have to move my blog to a different palce.
i have some tecincal problems and also some other stuff.
some people almost found out about this blog and now i have to do a nother one to protect myself more.
i am sorry and i hope you start following me also in my new blog
and also i am posting some pictures tomorrow to my new blog so i hope i see you all there soon :D
New blog here !
I am not allowed to post before i am 59.0 kg.
I am a miserable failure and need to get myself together, so untill i havent done that i dont deserve your lovely comments.
I will see you when i am 59.0 kg....
Ofcourse then i need to lose more 8 kg but i want to be out of the sixties before i come back.
1. Favourite healthy binge food:
2. Favourite thinspo song:
3. Favourite thinspo book:
4. Favourite thinspo film:
5: Favourite thinspo person:
6. Whats your ultimate goal weight and why did you pick it:
7. How do you think your ED has affected your life:
8: How do you think your ED has affected other people's lives:
9: Where do you get the majority of your support:
10: Whats your best feature:
I mean 100g more(that is 0.22ibs) and i wold have reached my goal to be in the fifties by 16.October. But no i could not be like 59.9 i had to be 60.0. i am do mad mad, but okey lest face it. I lost 2.7 kg(6ibs) i 4 days. That is like fantastic. well of course at least half of that was water weight from my binge weekend so i dont think i lost that much fat. But anyways i would have been perfect to be 59.9. Argghhh.
Intake: 470
That is soup plus bread. I also had a dessert at school a cup of yogurt(135kcal)t but i did not eat it. I took it home, it is in my refrigerator at the moment. I tought that if i get like really hungry i can eat it, but then i read my blog comments and Ana Girl suggested that we should not eat anything sweet. so i am not eating that Yogurt. You are so great Ana's girl. We are strong and can make it. No sweet stuff no more today or any food at all in that matter.
So plan for the weekend:
Friday-no food after 12am( last meal school lunch)
Saturday- No food until like 4pm.
We are going to a party with E and we are staying at her grandmother house so supper will be a must. Because i will not have any excuse to say no because i will spend the hole day with E and she will know that i have not eaten anything all day. But i will keep the intake low. max 500kcal.
also party means alcohol but i dry not to go overboard. I mean i usually dont drink that much. i just want a good buzz not i am so fucking drunk i cant walk. And on an almost empty stomach i will reach mu buzz really fast.
Sunday- breakfast at E grandma's place and then no food.
By the way Ana's Girl M is blond and T is brunette. so what a coincidence. and also M is really sweet and T is more of a EGO and bad boy. i mean i once cried because of him and i like cry like less than once a year. But T is with a better body and the sexual tension between us is like wow.
so do you want to see pictures about me?
i mean like a head shot because i am too ashamed to show my body just jet. so maybe i will post some pictures on sunday
Firstly, i now have the tickets to that concert i talked a few days ago so we are definitely going. i just hope that M can also come that would be fantastic. i mean maybe i will find the courage from somewhere and try to make that next step and see if he would like me as his girlfriend. I have this thing that i think that i am too ugly, fat and boring for anyone to like me so my self-esteem is like rock-bottom.
i have actually this other guy T who i dated a year ago for a really short time, but guess what i still like him and think about him often. And there i am also like does he still like me or not. we did not break up but we just drifted away but i wish we hadnt. he has like the perfect body.
but M is really sweet and cares about me.
so i am like who do i pick.??... well i am talking about picking but maybe neither of the guys like me or want me as there gf.
We had out class pictures taken and also this album pictures where are all of the teachers and our portrait pictures. i really fucking hope i look good on on those pictures and not like a fat cow. i mean in 11 years i have only one class picture where i look normal and not a monster and that pic was taken last year when i was like 10kg lighter so.
do you have some thing that you decide if you are skinny or not.?
To my mind i am skinny if i can ware a white T-shirt and not look FAT. i never ware white t-shirts because they make me fat.
I really need to get up from my saggy butt and start doing some workouts.
I have like huge amount of clothes what i cant ware at the moment because i am a fat cow. i bought clothes and they are all in XS size and pretty tight. so every fat particle will show. Need to get skinny soon so i can ware all my lovely new clothes. Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.
Food intake:670
I am a bit worried that my body is going to starvation mode and start holding on to that fat. so i am like should i eat something to keep my metabolism going or not.
What do you think?
Ana Girl- thanks for your support. i really love to read your blog. maybe tomorrow i will not eat any of my dessert at school. lets hope that :D.
dietlexy-people see one thing and the real me is something else. i feel like i am waring a mask to hide all my flaws and fears ( fears make us vulnerable)
So about the concert thing i decided not to go with the two couples but i am still going. actually we will be going to another town to see the same concert on Saturday with E.
another plus to that is that my friend M might come also. I have mentioned m in my previous post. hes is such a nice guy i love to talk to him. we send text all the time. He is not my bf but well i would not mind if he was.
Food intake-750
Personal accomplishment-i ate only half of my desert at school. i always eat all my desert at school so that is a big deal to me. if i would have know how much cals it had i would have not even the half.
I feel like i am living in a sope ophera.
I have this friend E who wants to throw her birthay party in R-s oncles house, but she cant because the oncle wont allow it. so no E is mad on R and R is mad at E. I mean god could you just grow up. It is not R's fault that her oncle wont allow them do a party. E should just find a different place and well get over it.
Anyways the reason this all affects me ( besides that they are my friends) is that we had a plan to go to a club/ concert thsi weekend and now R does not want E to come so that mean if i want to go i have to go with R and her boyfriend and with K and her boyfriend. Two couples and than me. I dont think that wold be fun for me but i really need some partying....
what do you think girls? should i go?
Also E and R had a fight a few week ago when E told R that she is diching her freinds for a boy. I mean they a both so anoying.
Anyways in good new i Water fasted yestarday Wohooooo....
and today i have consumed 460kcal.
Height: 166/ 5'5"
Weight: 62,7kg/138ibs
Bmi: 22.8
Bust: 95cm/37.4 inc
Waist: 75cm/29.5 inc
Hips: 91 cm/ 35.8 inc
Tight: 54 cm/21.3 inc
Lower part of the leg: 37cm/ 14.6 inc
So my goals are:
Weight: 51/112inc
bmi 18.5
Bust: 81
Waist: 61
Hips 91
I choose those measurements because they are a American size 0 or 2 (i am not sure)
Goal date: 23.december
Of course i want to reach it earlyer.
Those number are just my First thought i may stop before i reach 51 kg or loose even more it really depends on how i see myself from the mirror.
If you have any sugestions for my goal weight dont hestitate to say what you think.
1.59 am:
Jeah i admit it. i am totally fucked up. i mean i have no fucking idea what the hell is going on in my head. I am like a robot i just do things i am supposed to do as well as i can.( and at the moment i cant handle even that) i am so numb i dont fucking care that i have a big test tomorrow. i had the hole weekend to study but what did i do? Ding-ding i binged like the wold is going to end.
I mean i have never been so depressed and sad and so "i dont fucking care about anything". it is so late and i should go to sleep becaue i have to wake up tomorrow at 7.am and go to scool but fuck school.
In a better note i took out my tarot cards today and well if they are right i am going to have a really good boy relationship soon. God i hope the cards a right. i mean i really need some cuddling.
I am off to bed now. i will uptade in the evening and report how my first day went. jeah i am restarting my weight loss programm ( ofcoures this is like my hundret first day, but hell who cares)
sry i am in a really depressed/bitchi mood after my binge and also some god damn Boy problems.
My computer was totally not working almost a month so i could not post. Also i have been so depressed that i sometimes just want to curl up in a corner and stay there and hide myself from the world. I havent lost any weight. I eat normally and then i binge. and starve myself for a day or two and then binge. I think i am about 62 kg. at the moment. I know it is discusting. Just discusting. I am depressed i hate school and i hate me. I hate taht i am so weak. Anyways i am starting again. this time it is
Do it or be a discusting cow the rest of the world.
So sorry i havent posted for so long.
I have been bad and depressed and what ever. It is in the past now and behind me.
I i asked to a birthday party by M. the really sweet guy.
One big problem. I look so fat and nothing looks good on me.
So i did my homework. What is great because usually i do it Sunday late evenings or not at all. You know it is good to be the "good girl" sometimes. All my teachers think that i am this sweet and really good girl and sometimes i am. And i do care about people but in the end i am the most important person for me.
All my friends say that i am a person who wants to achieve more and more and is really determined. And AMBITIOUS. That is so true because i want to be the best in everything. There is no second place. It is the winner and the looser.
I am watching Supersize Vs. Superskinny. Really good.
I hate being at home i just snack constantly. And that ads up way too much food. Usually i go to the fridge and just eat there. i dont put my food on the plate and that really has to stop.
Intake
about 2500, damn honey
Running:-300
Ate like a fucking big. I really need some good distractions.
Went running, sprained my leg what means i ran like 30 minutes only.
Mom is now really spying on me. Found out that i took a laxative pill i denied but i dont really thing she bought me.
I just wish she would leave me fucking alone.
That was the number on the scale today morning, i should have been 60 kg so i am behind my goal for 0,4kg. That is bad but as the way i am eating i didnt expect a miracle. I kown i should not consume so much cals but if i dont eat well at breakfast and lunch my stomach will start being and asshole and make noises from hell. Anywasy at least i am loosing. But the progress will be slow and i will hate that it takse so long but well eventually i will be skinny. i mean when i wanted a fast loose i didnt eat much for days and then binged like a cow.
I had PE today. I was so damn hot there because i was wearing a long sleaved sweatshirt. But there was no way in hell i would have taken it off. I would have looked so discusting with my tight gym t-shirt. i was a idiot when i cleaned my closet i threw away all my big shirts so i would have to loose weight or nothing would fit me. Also it mean that all my shirts are now really tight and i have nothing suitable to wear for PE.
Intake:
Bread: 150Soup: 200
Milk dessert: 240
apples:300
Running: -400
I eat lunch at school so some of my cals are not as accurate but that is the best i can do.
It is day 2 of school and already i cant do my homework. i just keep putting it off. I have to do this translation thing for my English class(English is not my mother tongue) and i just... so lazy and i dont want to do it because it is a long boring text.
So about eating. i know i should really start counting calories to find out how much i eat but i think about 1200 today. I know it is a lot but i am trying to break the cycle of eat 500cals for 7 days and then go into full binge mode for 4 days and gain all i lost back. Anyways we will see how this will work.
i promise i will start counting calories from tomorrow.
Anyways on have a exercise plan 2 days of running for 45minutes then one day off then 2 running and so on. This gives my body time to recover. Also i will start doing different abs, but and arm exercised. well i did some today but i cant really cont that as a real muscle building workout.
I have PE tomorrow and i hate it. i have really tight workout clothes and i just look ugly fat in them and every mean girl/and we have lots of them) will see my fat discusting body and just will comment on that. Even if they dont say it loud i know what they think, she was so skinny last year but now she has gotten all the fat back. But i will show those girls i will be the hottest girl in my class soon.
Tomorrow is the first weigh in. wish me luck.
Ana's Girl: I really hope my mom will leave me alone, if she keeps this up i will blow off on her and really screm to leave me alone and mind her own business. Jeah the plan is ok. I will loose slowly maybe even very slowly but atleast i will not binge ( well i hope i will not) And all you comments are really lovely.
Thinantha: I hope you dont have to have that conversation with anyone. Mine was:
Mom: we need to talk about your eating. Do you have eating disorders, i mean anorexia?
Me: no. you dont have to worry. i have no eating disorder so just leave me alone.
MOM: i see how you eat. you know exepting it is the first step to recovery.
ME: I dont have an ED okey. dont you thrust me if i say id ont have it.
Mom:....
In my mind i just wanted to screm: I AM 18 I CAN DO WHAT THE HELL I WANT TO DO AND YOU HAVE NO POWER TO STOP ME DOING WHAT I WANT.
About the tatto... How much it will cost like to do it. i have no idea?
piana: I love to play football with friends, but i dont like watching it bores me to hell.
Rachel B:I love scool in that way. it really distracts me and i cant eat there. actually i love that i have thing that fill my day, it is so much easiyer. i mean when i had all free days in summer i just ate all the time because i was bored.
CA: I will do something meaningful i just dont know what jet.
PS! Thank you so much for being so suportive about the mother thing.
SHIT.
My mom had an "do you have anorexia?" conversation with me. I said no. i dont know did he believe me or not. Heaven knows i am not skinny enough to be anorexic. Well she thinks i have problems because she found my laxatives ( stupid me, should have hidden them more carefully) and also she saw or read a page from my diary( i wanted to kill her).
At least i am 18 so there are not a lot of things she can do besides the long conversations she wants to have where i talk about my feelings and stuff. Jeah mom that is never going to happen.
i have 10 months to live with her and then i will be of to university or to another country. So that will be great. At this point i just want my mom to leave me alone.
Anyways i had a great time with my friends yesterday. We drank some champagne, did some pictures and just talked and laughed. Food was bad but at least i stopped myself from binge eating but lets say i was no where near anorexia.
But i did go running or actually it was jogging. well i have this plan that i go jogging at least 3 times a week for 45 minutes. but i think i can do better and maybe even 6 times a week but 3 is minimal.
anywas i have this new plan i will eat breakfast and lunch and no dinner. and weekends i will eat 700 Saturday and fast on Sunday. Sunday is a really good day to fast beacause i cant binge when i finish my fast( i binge every time i try to fast) because i it will be Monday morning and i have to go to school.
Today was first day of school. I really felt like i was the fattest girl in our class and believe me the feeling was not good.
i have set myself the ultimate date . I want to be 51 kg on the first day of Autumn holiday. That gives me 52 day to loose this fatt i have on me. I know i can do this or i will have to start going to school naked because i dont have anything to ware because all my clothes will be too small for me.
I have a reward for myself. If i am 51 kg on the morning of 23.October i will get a tattoo.
So i have to do to
w things by then
1) loose the fat 10kg
2) make up my mind what kind of tattoo i want.
<--i want my tattoo on the same spot like on the picture. i just dont know what picture i will make there... If anyone has suggestions what i should do please let me know.
That all i have to say.
So i had a fabulous day of not eating until four o'clock. This morning i weight 58.7 kg and i was jumping from joy. i had lost 6.3kg with 8 days. Of course i realized that most of it was water weight because when i weight it was after 4 days of full on binge eating. but i was happy and when i looked in the mirror i was not disgusted like i usually are. So all was well i even
went out with my friends and didnt eat cookies what where offered several times i was so happy about my self control and i had a really good time.
About 3pm i got home and started reading Cosmopolitan. And then i looked ate the refrigerator(witch is next to my bed at the moment bacause of the renovation)and i knew there was some cauli flower in ther so i thougt hmmm i have done so good i will just take a few bites. Well you all know whet that means. Before i knew it i was eating beanut butter from the jar with a knife.Well then i ate some more stuff about 3000cals( i didnt really want to count) i was so full and my tummy hurt so much. And i hated so much of myself. anywas then mom tells me she is going out. My tummy is so bloated and well what does a ED girl do when no-one is at home and she has just had a massive binge.?...
Of course here comes her friendenemy mia. I put on some music to cover the voices what i was doinf in the bathroom and looked the door.
Well i may just say that i dont like to purge. It is just so uncomfortable and messy and just not my thing. And i may also say that i am not good at it i have done it like 10 times and usually i can purge very very little. But this time it was different i was much better in it and i think i actually Purged like 1/5 of all i had eaten. i know it is not much but usually i am lucky if i can geat i few mouthfulls of food up (i know grose) Anywys i felt better and also mure shittyer after that. I hated that i had to stick my finger down my troath but i loved the feeling that i had atleast gotten out some of the horrible food.
Now when i finished i had a problem. The toilet was smelling well it was smelling like someone had just purged. I know that my mom would have smelled it and then i would have to do some explaining. But you know i am a clever girl. I turned on the stove put some milk into the pot and then just left it there. So now my house was full of burnt milk smell. I knew that my mom would say a few words about me not beeing carefull when i cook something but that is a hell of a lot better than her finding out that her lovely daughter just spen half an our on her kneew and her head sticked in the toilet.
I have no ide what i am going to do tomorrow. i may fast if i feel that i am up to it or maybe i will go buy ise-cream eat it and purge. Okey i am not going to purge any more well at least not soon.
hope you all loveles are doing better. I GOT BORED SO I DID ANOTHER COLLAGE.
I got bored so i did this little collage. I am unhappy they i dont have a printer so i could print it out.
I am doing okey at the moment. In food department no solid food has passed my lips from 7.00pm last night and no food solid food will not pass my lips as long as i can keep this up. But i am aiming for a 65 hour fast witch means i get to eat breakfast on Saturday morning at 10 am. Just have to watch out that i will not end my fast with binge eating.
My mom will be home like an hour or so and well i have to throw some food away or she will notice that i havent eaten. There is just two of us so it is really simple to notice that i havent eaten when i dont throw anything away. i actually dont want to do that but i have no other choice. Some bread and beanut butter will be sacrificed. that means i cant binge on them in the evening so thats 2 good points.
I havent done anything much today. i finished reading 2 blogs from start to finish.
Poker face and
I will be going to the library when my mom gets home. I am a bit avoiding her at the moment even though i have no good reason for it. Just that she will ask Questions about my life and for some reason even the most smallest things irritate the hell out of me. I mean i hate when she comes home, looks at me and then decides in her little head that i dont look happy enough so she goes like : "what is the matter? be happier bla-blah. God could you just leave me alone for once. Cant you understand that i dont feel comfortable about speaking to you about my feelings and things what are going on in my life. I knows she really loves me and cares and wants to be my best friend and the person who i can just speak freely about everything but it is just not happening. okey. So leave it alone. I will never tell you that i have issues with eating, my body and well everything in my life. I dont want you to know or i dont want my friends to know because they will not understand me and they will judge me and they will start thinking differently about me and i dont want that. To them i will be this confident girl who can achieve everything she wants.
Intake: 800 (chicken, apples, banana, slice of bread)
I know it is Quite high but well at least i am not binging. I mean my food plan is so messed up i usually skip breakfast(i know most important meal of the day blah-blah) so lunch will be like 200 cal and then dinner is like i go nuts. But well i mean even if i would eat breakfast and a normal lunch i would still eat the same size dinner as i do on days i skip breakfast. so i may as well fast on till dinner so my cals will be lower for the day. and in my mind that is all what counts. i know that it is more likely that i gain weight when i eat dinner than i eat breakfast because i cant burn the cals before bed but well i am just stronger in the morning than in the evening. So i will stick to what works for me.
On another note i am from now on trying to structure my writings more like i will have actually paragraphs and punctuation marks and a big letter at the start of a sentence. Because before i was so like what ever, i will just write and dont care about that crap but it is so much better to read when everything is in order. I know before i used a lot of this: .... . it usually means an unfinished sentence or thought. And that actually happens a lot to me i have many times trouble to like say out loud the thought or idea i am thinking of. it is like i have everything planned in my mind but i find it sometimes hard to explain others what is in my mind, if you know what i mean. okey, i am now more structured.
I think i mentioned in some of my older post that i am doing my licences. I my country we have to go to a driving school and take some theory and practical ( drive a car around the city) lessons. When the learning part is finished we have to take schools theory and driving tests. And i did my theory test today and i passed. but it was like so close to failing. and i have my driving test on Monday (scary) and after that is done we have to go and do another theory and driving test in the ...(dont know how to say it) Car Register Center. when that is done i get my license and that will be a day i will party like hell. Anyways i have to learn so much for my theory test in CRC because i kind of cheated today. I know i am bad but hell i needed to pass because my driving test was all ready scheduled on Monday. and anyways i need to do a norther theory test and there i cant cheat but i will have at least a month to learn so i will be fine.
Actually i had the chance to to the tests earlier but the thing was that a few weeks ago i was so depressed because of my eating that i even didnt go out of my room so. I dont want to go back to that dark hole again NEVER EVER. That was Just so BAd. i dont even want to think about that.
SO i have Thursday and Friday when my mom is working most of the day and i am home alone. ( my mom had vacation last 3 days and i almost went nuts) Anyway i usually tend to binge when i am home alone and nothing to occupy my time but well this time that will not happen actually i am trying to liquid fast for two days. Well see how i do. i will not beat myself up if i eat little but dont binge. I have actually completed a fast once and it was just one day but you have to start form somewhere. Right.
Plan:
Liquids: water, orange juice diluted with water, coffee+sugar replacement+milk, tea+milk+sugar replacement.
Things to keep me occupied:
- Read the book i bought tonight "The Magic of Metaphor"by Nick Owen
- Repair my tv (the satellite is disconnected)
- Go to the library
- Find new thinspo pics and do a collage
- Make a workout plan for school time
- Move my moms couch to the right place
- DO some fucking exercise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Read books when i want to eat.
- Write 3 pages to my Diary
- Pluck my eyebrows
- Pedicure/manicure
So what are you favourite exercise for abs, but and well everywhere else? I need your help please.!.
OMG so my friend is sending me pictures from our last party and it was just after my binge episode at the beginning of August and i look like a HUGE; FAT; FLABBY GOW. it is so bad i just dont want to look at them. My arms and tights are HUGE i mean they are like Fat all over the place. How didnt i see that when i was eating. BAd me. So now i looked up some pictures from last year when my bmi: 18 and hell i looked so good. Why the fucking hell did i let myself get this point that i cant make a difference between myself and a fat pig. At least there pics what i ot from hear where a big thinspo. i am so sad right now. And this gives me more determination to shed this weight. I WILL DO MY FAST TOMORROW AND THE NEXT DAY AND I WILL ACCOMPLISH WHAT I NEED AND WANT.
I will reply to your comments now (and try to link also):
Heather:Well i was saying i will not beat myself up but in realty we all know that that little worse in you head still goes: what the hell did you eat so much. That voice just stays there weather you want to hear it or not.
Rihianna: Thank you so much. you really made me a bit happier after reading your comment. nice to have you as a buddy.
Lady Destroyed: Jeah you should get that. also i did some research and well you should do at least 45 min everyday for it to work the best. that should not be hard because you can like watch tv at the same time. Like on Mondays i hula-hoop and watch Americas next top model so that an hour of hooping right there.
Ana's Girl:Well it was a half binge i suppose. because i usually just loose it in the evenings. but this time i could stop myself before reaching like 3000 cals.
M is a sweet hart and i love to talk to him and i think i can really trust him anything accept my eating disorders. because i just dont want him to think that i am some nuts girl who cant be happy with myself. In every situation i try to seem confident even if i am not. And i just wanted to say that all your comments are so supportive. Thanks for being there.
CA:Thanks so much for your help. i try to investigate some more and then i will post a table or something here.
Okey this time i even did some links. i am so proud hehe. Now i will go and check out all your blogs. Which should be easy. Because a minute ago i went to the kitchen thirsty as hell and the first thing i found was a big cup of cold coffee left over from my "breakfast" so before thinking i just poured it down and now well i dont really think i will be going to bed very soon.
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